Sunday, January 3, 2010
A Tale of Two Guys with One Syllable Names
I used to labor under the impression that romance was kinda dorky and sappy. I don't do sappy. "Oh I love you sooooooo much". Gag. And I can't stand people that are all over each other in public. Take it inside, lovebirds. Nobody wants to see that so get your tongue out of her mouth and your hand out of his back pocket and move it along. Your hand is not a comb and this is not 1976. Grossity-gross-gross-gross. Well, anyway these sentiments were all from my pre-Bob era which ended some two months ago. I now love romance. And I love Bob. Bob is Bob Schneider. He is an Austin based singer-songwriter. He makes me swoon. The fact that he's totally hot helps but it's really his lyrics that convinced me to cross over from the dark side and turn into a simpering female fawning at the lyrically majestic feet of Bob. And I'd stick my hand in his pocket for sure. Don't panic.....Dave is aware of my love for Bob. Dave is not threatened. Dave should be. I'm joking. Sorta. In his song 40 Dogs (Romeo and Juliet), Bob says,
Well if I spell it out, if I get it out
Will you hear me when I tell you about
What I have to say, before it gets too late?
It's not as easy as I said it'd be,
But there's something right about you and me,
Something right about you and me.
Again with the swooning........
Well you're the color of a burning brook,
You're the color of a sideways look from an undercover cop in a comic book
You're the color of a storm in June,
You're the color of the night, that's right,
Color of a fight-you move me
You're the color of the colored part of the Wizard of Oz movie.
Okay.......let me just stop right there. Any man that tells me I am the color of the colored part of the Wizard of Oz movie has me willingly enslaving myself for life. God. Seriously. Thy name is Bob. Oh, but it gets better. Bob goes on to further charm the pants off of the ladies with THIS:
All the boys taking you for granted,
Tell you what they want with their eyes all slanted.
I don't like the way they look at you,
I don't like the way they talk to you.
I wouldn't let 'em talk to you like that.
Bob is defending our honor!!!!!! Hyperventilating.......he's a white knight!
You take the high and I'll take the low,
We'll get there before you know.
We ain't got no time to waste,
We got too much life to taste.
We're like Romeo and Juliet,
And 40 Dogs Cigarettes,
We're like good times that haven't happened yet but will.
And I can tell you where we're gonna be
When the whole world falls to the sea:
We'll be livin' ever after, happily.
Fanning myself with Christmas card from the Brainer-Frederickson's and Tiger Woods and attempting to calm self......
Sometimes you remind me of a moonbeam,
Or the ghost of a moonbeam out on the beach,
Down by the coast, slip into Manila,
Like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Oh, and he says that last line like he means it too.......Bob......I'm on my way......
Come out tonight, come out with me baby.
We'll throw the careful into the crazy,
Turn the sky black into a sky blue,
Turn the close shave into a woo-hoo.
What I say is true , make a fire, gotta burn a few,
Make a fire, gotta burn a few,
We can do what we want to do.
Yes, yes we can Bob. I love you. So anyway, I now love love. And romance and moonbeams and Bob, Bob, Bob. In fact I think I'm gonna go find Dave and stick my hand in HIS back pocket. Or stick something somewhere. Oh wait.....not so fast.....last I checked, Dave was standing on a stage singing a song called "Community Property". He did not write this song. A band called Steel Panther did. This may be why we are still married. The fact that he performs it speaks volumes however. A little sample?
I would give you the stars in the sky
But they're too far away
If you were a hooker, you know
I'd be happy to pay
If suddenly you were a guy
I'd be suddenly gay
'Cause my heart belongs to you
My love is pure and true
My heart belongs to you
But my cock is community property
Yep. That's my guy!
I wanna make it clear
So you retain it
My dick's a free spirit
And you can't restrain it
No, you just can't chain it down
I love you so much it hurts
From my head to my feet
I think of you and I can't
Help but fondle my meat
I see your face every time
That I go out and cheat.....
Need I go on? Nope. On stage. My husband. Guy I'm married to. Jack's dad. I cannot contain my pride. Think I may burst. On second thought, I think I'm going to just go listen to Bob and go to my happy place.