Saturday, January 23, 2010


I get the whole "no texting while driving thing". Not that I haven't done it. Absolutely I have. It's akin to drunk driving, which as much as I do so love me my cocktails, I NEVER drink and drive. I drink and have others drive my drunk ass around. Landing in jail or injuring someone would make all of the fun go away. I would be like Curious George......."All the fun was gone. He had been a bad little monkey". While I am without question a bad little monkey I'd prefer to be a bad little monkey with a drivers license. To that end, I am really trying to cool it with the phone. It's a hard habit to break. I'm just so attached to that little stroke of genius. They don't call them "crackberries" for nothin'. Mine's an iPhone but whatever. Just as addictive. Doesn't matter. Driving while distracted is not a good idea. Life is distracting enough without scrolling through your email as you're rocketing down the road. Now. There are other ways to drive while distracted that have nothing to do with our smartphones and should also be declared illegal. Such as?

1. Driving while screaming and attempting to smack the piss out of your children in the back seat. I've been on the receiving end of that one. When your parent is looking in the backseat and flailing about in an attempt to make contact with something.....anything......they are distracted. So really, to be safe, the kids have gotta go. No driving with kids.

2. Kissing or being kissed while driving. Or anything that involves unzipped pants. That's why it's called "parking". It's not called "driving". Talk about distracted.......sheesh. That's kind of the ultimate in distraction. So no fornicatin' and driving either.

3. Driving with massive quantities of festive balloons in your car. Oh, I've done this. I've done this plenty. 'Cause I'm a festive kinda gal. Not only can you see NOTHING when piloting a Balloonmobile, those fuckers pop at random and will startle the living shit out of you. Pop. Swerve. Pop. Swerve. Pop. Bump. What the the fuck was that? Driving with balloons? Illegal.

4. Driving if you are a teenager. Sorry. No driving until you're 21. Teenagers are a walking, talking distraction. They are not thoroughly cooked yet. Although this may be taken on a case by case basis as I know some teenagers that are considerably more mature than I am. Uh-oh.

5. DRIVING WITH A LIVE ANIMAL ON YOUR LAP. NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO. I saw this today. A woman was driving like a complete jackass with a tiny dog hopping all over her. I'm sorry but that has got to be WAY illegal. Way. Sure, I can't check my email but she can have a yip-dog running back and forth on the dashboard when he's not peering over the steering wheel. Seriously? I don't think so.

6. Driving anywhere scenic. Or teeming with attractive people. Pretty things are distracting. Cars should be banned from anywhere there are things that may grab a drivers attention away from the road. Maybe driving should only be allowed on I-80 in Nebraska. Although that's not safe either 'cause driving drowsy is also dangerous.

So maybe this whole "driving" thing should be reevaluated. There are just too  many things available to distract us these days to make it safe. Shit, I was out WALKING yesterday and almost got hit by a car. Not his fault. Mine. I had my nose in my iPhone (hey, I had an important email!) and wasn't looking where I was going. Maybe we should all just stay inside. Or become Amish. I will look into that and report back. Oh, and stay tuned......I'm going to tell you all about the series of children's books I'm developing! Big stuff!

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