Saturday, January 30, 2010

Dog Balls

Well, after a rather protracted viewing period, Stripey the carp has been buried in the backyard. He was kinda like Michael Jackson in that it took awhile to get him interred. Only because we forgot that he was on the deck. He was looking pretty grim by the time this morning rolled around. As Dave said, "that's one thing to check off the to-do list". Bury one giant carp? Check. In other pet related news, I was laying in bed this morning watching the news. There's a segment about spaying and neutering your dog! Well, duh. What I was not expecting was THE PAIR OF FAKE DOG BALLS that the veterinarian produced. That's right. Prosthetic DOG BALLS. People in Haiti are starving, Brainer is walking around in last year's loafers and people are spending money on FAKE DOG BALLS. Sorry, I can't say it enough. They looked like mini breast implants. You know, I was thinking that Grady sure was looking sheepish what with his empty sack and all. It's totally interfering with his game. None of the bitches will give him the time of day. Oh wait! That's right! He doesn't give a shit about the ladies because he is a fucking EUNICH. The vet said, and I quote, "It's a nice cosmetic effect for that special owner". Oh, that owner is "special" alright. God. These things are called "Neuticles". So being in possession of an inquiring mind, I looked up this company online. Over 300,000 sets sold!!!!! Nice to know that there are that many dogs walking around with a set of fake nuts. Dave said that lack of nuts is one of the best things about having the damn dog fixed......I believe HIS quote was, "Who wants to look at a big ol' pair of dog balls?". I concur. They're particularly disturbing on really short-haired dogs. It's like, "put those things away". Too much information. Okay, so not only are they peddling their fake balls, they also have ear prosthetics. Perfect for the dog whose ears don't stand up but really wishes they did. So I am thinking that I'm going to take Grady in this week to have a little work done. He's getting fake balls and his ears are going to stand up straight. Then I'm going to get him a gold chain and a pouffy toupee. I think that's what all of the sock-eating was about. He wanted to kill himself because he looked so crappy. Problem solved. 


  1. Well I think it's time they had fake tails too... An extra little puff on the end for when you want to look like your favourite poodle across the street... or just a plain tail if the bastards chopped it off in the first place (like a Boxer or Spaniel - not allowed over here now but you do still see them).
    The mind boggles! I look forward to the pics of a black lab in a perm and nice acrylic toe-nails (red please) :)