Friday, January 22, 2010

Everybody Panic

Happy FREAKIN' Friday, everybody! We made it. I normally LOVE Friday. It's my favorite day of the week in fact, as it holds such promise. Today, however, I "get" to go to the gynecologist! For joy! Just the ol' "annual exam". Wahoo. Let's see......amongst the indignities I shall suffer today? I get to stand on a scale. This doesn't send shivers down my spine as it did during the thyroid shit storm days but I really don't want to know what I weigh. I'm happy with the way I look, I'm healthy, I don't want to get hung up on a number. Plus, I'm one of those people that always gets the smart ass nurse saying, "Wow! You don't LOOK like you weigh that much". Gee, thanks. I'm 5'9" and I'm not a small person. Even when I was borderline anorexic back in college, I weighed 128 and that is just piss poor for an anorexic. I did look quite skeletal though, so there's that. When I walked down the aisle (sashayed, really.......I do so love being the center of attention) at my wedding, I was what for me is a perfect size 8. I weighed 148 which would horrify many women. I'm sure I weigh a bit more than that now. Don't care. I look pretty good for an old broad. So anyway, I get to stand on the scale, close my eyes and instruct the nurse to zip it. THEN, I get to go into a room, strip down to everything but my socks and sit there in a hospital gown waiting. Today, I won't even be waiting for my doctor as she can't be bothered to work on Fridays (which is my only "free" day) so I get to see the nurse practitioner. Or should I say she's going to see me. A LOT of me. More of me than I'd ever care to see. I'm not even sure what's down there. I sincerely hope that moths don't fly out. Moths not withstanding, having a pelvic exam is the ultimate in indignity. It's almost as bad as childbirth. Although I had a c-section, so what do I know? Please don't write me angry letters.....I'm quite sure doing it the good ol' fashion way sucks sufficiently.  Anyway, you're sitting there ("scooch your butt up to the edge of the table please") with your legs up in the air (and wave 'em like you just don't care) and having someone not only looking around but sticking things up there. Cold, hard things (NOT good things). Ahhh, the speculum. Such a delight. I could go into more graphic detail at this point but I'm not going to go any further as I'm sure there are men passing out left and right. Sorry boys, but that's what happens. It sucks. Holy SHIT. I just had a horrible thought. What if this "nurse practitioner", whom I have never met, IS A MAN????? OH. MY. GOD. I will run away screaming. I know some women LOVE their male OBGYN's but I have NEVER had one and NEVER will. I would sooner have everything that's "up in there" dry up and fall right on out. God. NOW I'm having a panic attack......oh no........going to breath into paper bag. Will report back. 


  1. I don't let any 'nurse practitioner' do it and just book my doc for when we both can. And my doc is a HE, which was a big first for me around 10 years ago. Up until then there weren't even any men at either of my kids' births (excepting my man of course) or any previous exam, due to me freaking out about it. Then I just reached the age when I thought, screw this, and went for it. I even said to the doc...'congratulations, you're the fist man I've trusted there in forty years'... Totally inappropriate! but hahahaha. He just said 'glad to oblige'... I've known him long enough to feel 'comfy' I supppose.

  2. tch, FIRST man hahahaha... is that Freudian or what!?

  3. Mollie,

    My favorite doctor hands down was Dr. Rolando and he looks as fabulous as his name. Young and hot, I balked at the first time I went to see him because he was well "young and HOT"... but i talked to his nurse practitioner who was also young and she said she went to him so what the heck. He was by far one of the most gentle and I was the least embarrassed of all my examiners. He went into emergency medicine last year much to my chagrin and although I love my new guy he is old and when it came to it almost fatherly.... yikes!!! So I went to see a woman at my clinic. I only go to one Dr. usually for everything but the one who is like my dad can treat me for everything but the annaul indignity of the vag exam.

    My funniest every moment at the OB/GYN has to be years ago before I was seeing Matt Rolando I had a new woman OB and during my exam she complimented me on my kootchie... seriously full speculum insertion and then a "oh isn't this nice".... WHAT!!!! I laugh today but I walked out of that office wondering what the hell just happened at the time.


    PS... I had a csection too but was in labor for 31.5 hours.... I didn't have to push that 9.7lb bambino through there but man was I sore all over regardless.

  4. Holy crap Jac.......they tried to induce me for about that amount of time. Never dilated enough to even break my damn water. Finally had to do a c-section. Oooohhh.....was I pissed. Jack was only 8.1 (giant head though).......nowhere close to a 10 pounder but damn, I think our bodies were goin', "Um, oh HELL no that thing is not coming out the conventional way".