If I am ever spotted in a "seasonal sweater", you can consider it to be akin to one of those secret-code words you're supposed to have so that people know if you're in trouble. Like if you're the victim of a home invasion and the phone rings and the invader tells you to answer it but NO funny business. Happens to me ALL the time. "Hello? Oh, I'm fine. PALAMINO!!!". If I am walking around with something with a reindeer or a santa on it, I have been kidnapped and am going about my business in somewhat normal fashion due to Stockholm Syndrome. Much like that little harp-playing Mormon girl, bless her heart. Those sweaters may as well just come with a sign that says, "I have given up. Completely. I am no longer a woman but a 'Mommy Thing'". And being old does not get you off the hook. Age is no excuse for looking like a complete moron. Same goes for the light-up necklaces and jingle-bell earrings. You don't look wacky. You look you have been plugged in. You are not a lamp. And being generously proportioned is also no excuse. The theory of "If you can't hide it, decorate it" is something that they tell fat people to make them feel better. I'm not gonna lie to you. A big, giant moose with a wreath around it's neck is definitely not slimming. I actually think these sweaters and their accompanying accessories are the handi-work of the devil himself. It's his way of turning our attention away from the baby Jesus, who after all IS the reason for the season.