Sunday, November 22, 2009

Notes to Self in Preparation For Parental Visit

1.  With Mom and Dad rocketing their way north, you need to take a deep breath. Make sure bags for frequent hyperventilation are conveniently located.

2.  Repeat mantra frequently.  "I am and adult.  I am an adult".  They can't ground you anymore.  They should but they can't.  It's called "false imprisonment". Those parents that kidnapped their adult daughter?  In jail.  Ha.

3.  Accept that Mom is going to ask what you are doing even if it is the most mundane task.  Mom:  "Goobie!!!!  What are you doing?"  Me:  I'm going to the bathroom, Mom".  "What are you doing in there?"  Me:  Whatever needs doing, Mom".  Or, Mom:  "Goobie!!!!  What's this?"  Me:  "Um, it's a banana, Mom".  Acceptance.  Very important.

4.  Hide any and all evidence of wretched excess that will prompt lectures about budgets.  Fucking budgets.

5.  Hide any and all evidence of wretched and excessive alcohol consumption.  Bury recycling bin in back yard if necessary.

6.  Make sure excessive alcohol has been procured and is readily accessible.

7.  Hide husband's Honolulu Blue and Silver Detroit Lion's pilgrim suit.  It's for the benefit of all concerned as it IS admittedly alarming.  Excellent birth control though.....I don't think it's a coincidence that the pilgrim suit made its appearance around the time it was decided that there would be no more children.

8.  Be prepared to nod and agree when child is declared a genius.  Be prepared to nod and agree when asked if child has been talked to about drugs and alcohol.  Be prepared to nod and agree about any dietary concerns in regards to child.  Just be prepared.

9.  See number six.

10.  See number six.

Am going to go hyperventilate now. Dave, bag please.

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