Thursday, November 26, 2009


This is that time of year when people like to talk about everything they are thankful for in their lives.  Like loved ones and puppies and rainbows and living in a free country.  Whatever.  Screw that.  I'm grateful for the stuff that's TRULY important in life.  Such as:

1.  Booze.  People get all excited about the food at Thanksgiving and start yammering about the bounty laid before them and blah, blah, blah.  Food is all well and good but my horn o' plenty is stuffed with tequila.  Is turkey going to make your relatives infinitely more amusing? Will stuffing make your Uncle Joe's incessant droning on (and on) about inane subject matter fade to black?  Does green bean salad make the pain go away?  Didn't think so.  Drink it up, Bucky.

2.  The Internet. That Al Gore is a mother fucking genius.  Just don't mix it with booze.  While alcohol is your friend at Thanksgiving dinner, it is NOT your pal online.  You can do some pretty idiotic stuff on Facebook with a good buzz on.  Like "friending" your child's principal.  Or your husband. Both principals and husband's can take certain information and use it against you. Parents too.  Don't friend your parents.  I had to "un-friend" my mom whose friend request I accepted on a Friday night.  I think I menitoned at some point that my mother is a bit of a lady.  She would be utterly horrified by both my antics and my colorful abuse of the English language.  Facebook "friending" is one of those rare occasions during which I now believe you need to have a clear head about you.  But I digress.....I'm grateful for the internet AND Al Gore.  He's so green.

3.  iPhone's/Crackberries.  These handy little devices not only allow you to be in near constant communication with your homies but also serve to get you out of numerous awkward social situations.  Let's say your husband is a musician and requested that you come see his show in spite of the fact that none of your friends could come with you.  Oh, that phone is your friend. Your BEST friend.  Because the weird people that are attempting to approach you because you appear to be a sitting duck tend to back off when you seem to be intently occupied by some important business you are attending to on your iPhone.  And if out of the corner of your eye you spot somebody at the grocery store that you would like to avoid because they are a freakin' stalker?  Same.  Tap away at that phone and if you can't avoid eye contact, give 'em that, "Sorry....busy....what can you do?" shrug.

4.  Feet, Middle Fingers and Opposable Thumbs.  I like to walk and it would be kinda hard to do without feet.  I also like getting pedicures, although I'm somewhat confounded as to why all Vietnamese nail salon women persist in calling me "Honeeeeey".  Anyway, no feet, no pedis.  Yay, feet.  Middle fingers? There are a few people I would like to wag mine at right now.  So a middle finger or two will undoubtedly come in handy.  Get it?  Handy?  'Cause it's on your hand? Haaaaaa.  Being grateful for opposable thumbs really needs no explanation as I'm pretty sure you can't operate a cork-screw without 'em.  Although I think I've uncorked a bottle or two with my teeth. So I guess I'm grateful not just for my teeth but for my mouth which makes a nice little house for my teeth, most of which I still have, botched root canal and subsequent refusal to deal with the consequences notwithstanding.  I'll get around to it.  I'm NOT grateful for incompetent oral surgeons.

5.  Country Clubs.  Because sometimes a vague sense of superiority is what it takes to get you through your day.  "Well, you kind sir, may have just cut me off in traffic however I belong to a country club.  Do you?  Didn't think so.  Good day". Smug, self-satisfaction rocks.

6.  Jobs.  I am grateful that people have them.  Because if they didn't, every shmuck on the planet would be running around and getting in my way during the week.  And I'm also grateful that I don't have one because that would put a serious cramp in my style.

Okay........I've got more shit I'm grateful for but it's 5:35 a.m. and Mom is standing behind me and trying to talk to me.  I beat her to the punch by waking up before she did. Take THAT you like me NOW, sucka?  Anyway, apparently computers do not put people off the same way that iPhone's do.  Or maybe it's a mom thing.  I was thinking I looked fairly occupied but apparently not occupied enough.  The typing and look of intent concentration and statement of, "I'm with you in a second" did not seem to have the intended effect.  'Cause she's still back there.  That's okay.  She's right.  We've got a 22 lb Butterball to wrastle into submission.  And there are still three sleeping humans and a dog up there. Which means we've got some noise to make.  I'm grateful for noise 'cause making it is fun.  Let's do this, mom. You bring the noise, I'll bring the funk.


  1. Sister let them sleep in and make sure that you do a shot in honor of all the cocktails I served you and drank with you during our undergraduate careers. By the way in honor of the lack of 24 hrs of Eastwood this year I will be doing 24 hrs of bond on the SciFi Channel. I will also be rewatching an episode of WKRP in Cinncinnati (original air date) 10/30/78. In which Les Nessman reportsthe falling turkey promotion as "the humanity" As station manager Arthur Carlson state"I thought turkeys could fly" It makes me LOL just to think about it:) HAve a great day!!!!

  2. Oh Mollie even a wise one like you fell into this trap.... what's with this societal imposed gratitude shit? Have you even given consideration that just before the largest targeted shopping month of the year some asswipe starts this feel good shit? Let's face it, all these people saying how grateful they are really would rather kick back with a fifth and dream about how they would make different choices if they were 21 years old again. That 300 pound woman in front of you at the check out line with the three screaming kids who has to start taking items off her bill because there isn't enough money in her account... oh yeah she is really happy.... she is happy how large her ass is, that her husband bangs the 19 year old up at Taco Bell on the side, that he is a loser and cannot find a new job... oh and that from squeezing out three loud mouth bastards, she pisses herself from crying so hard. If she could flash back 15 years when her husband of now first asked her to marry him... her ass would pack it up and run for Mexico. So now all her other loser friends are running around making shit they are grateful for in order to justify their shitty existence and make themselves better off than Holly heffer which isn't all that hard... but they are equally as miscible... so then, Holly jumps on the band wagon and starts with fabrications about how grateful she is for her family... oh yes, the same husband shooting the sour cream gun in the young taco... the three Satan spawns who ripped up her vagina to the point a small television could be hid in there... her health... what health she is 300 lbs just waiting for a heart attack.. oh yes, so much to be thankful for... oh but then there is a voice... the voice of holiday shopping.. sales.... bargains.... competition... what better way to fill the void that your life totally sucks than to go stand in a line at Walmart and spend money you don't have because your husband is a lazy sack of shit.... but it feels good... it feels really good.... and hence this is the sick cycle of why people are grateful...