Monday, November 23, 2009

Drinking Code of Conduct: Revised Edition

Even enthusiastic booze-hounds have rules.  'Cause if there were no rules, there's no limit to what could transpire.  In my family, it is frowned upon to begin drinking before 4pm.  If you spent anytime during the summer at the family cottage in Northern Michigan, you would witness a LOT of clock watching.  In fact, my dad and I have a habit of waiting around the kitchen clock, which seems to run a little faster than the others.  We usually have our glasses out and our wine sitting there corked.  Uncorking prior to four would be a flagrant violation of the rules.  Nothing wrong with having it there at the ready though.  And anxiously clutching the corkscrew is okay too.  That's legal. Other than that, the rules are that there are no rules.  Don't start drinking and don't open the bottle before 4pm and you're good.  I guess I should have pointed out that the aforementioned rules apply to weekdays.  Weekends and Holidays have their own set of standards.  The term "holiday" applies to not just actual holiday's but to vacations.  Being or hosting a houseguest meets the "holiday/vacation" criteria.   Weekend and Holiday rules state that drinking after 12 noon is acceptable.  Unless you are at or are watching a football game.  Then one hour prior to kick-off is not just perfectly acceptable but encouraged.  Oh, and if anything particularly startling, jarring or upsetting occurs on a weekday, it is okay to commence drinking immediately after said event.  You're allowed to calm your jangled nerves.  An accountability panel will be convened to determine what exactly qualifies as startling, jarring or upsetting.  For instance, having a near miss with a deer in your car does not qualify while actually hitting Bambi does.  We've got to have standards here.  We can't be a lawless people. Until the panel convenes and comes back with it's findings, just use common sense.  Being cut-off in traffic? NO.  Being struck by another motorist resulting in whiplash?  YES.  Anyway, I have amended the Code for this week.  Drinking shall occur on an "as needed" basis.  And I am in need.  Cheers.

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