Monday, November 30, 2009

Goodbye, Cruel World.....

Let me preface this by saying that I loves me some internet.  This is pretty obvious. It is an incredible way to communicate. Through the wonder of the World Wide Web, I have reconnected with old friends and made new friends from as close as up the street and as far away as Scotland. This is pretty freakin' cool.  And don't even get me started on the email thing. I would probably be all cat-lady without the internet. Would have up and gone crazy by now. Yay internet.  But boo, internet too.  For all of it's shiny goodness, there is a dark side as well.  For example, you can go from being perfectly healthy to riddled with cancer inside of five minutes.  My stomach has been kinda jumbly lately.  And yes, I believe that "jumbly" is a medical term.  A normal person would logically surmise that this was the result of the Bacchanalian ('cause it was pretty wild and mystic) festival that took place over the course of the last week.  You know, that wretched excess thing again. But alas, I am apparently not a "normal" person.  I play things out to their worst possible outcome.  So my indigestion has turned into a horrible and life threatening disease thanks to the knowledge imparted upon me by the upstanding folks at WebMd and the Mayo Clinic.    This in turn sets off a domino effect of further frantic searches on the disease du jour and ending with the following conversation: Me: "DAAAVVVVEEEE!!!!! Do you think I have cancer?" Dave:  "You don't have cancer".  Me:  "How do YOU know? You're not a doctor". Dave:  "Neither are you".  This causes me to leave the room exasperated as he clearly does not know what he is talking about.  It says, right there, on my computer screen, that I am going to die.  Clearly.  Stupid Dave.  If he were any more laid back, HE'D be dead. He wouldn't know a life threatening illness if it came up and smacked him on the head with a frying pan. And his suggestion that if I'm really that worried I should go to the doctor is not at all helpful.  Take the "knee cancer" incident.  I had a gigantic lump on my knee that any fool could see was clearly cancerous.  Practically pulsing and throbbing with disease. When I dragged my weakened body to the doctor at Dave's inistence and told her I thought I had knee cancer, she not only laughed at me but went to get another doctor to join in on the hilarity. Ha ha.  Laugh it up, Docs.  I didn't know that the University of Phoenix Online had a med school.  I must be a goddamn Christmas miracle as I survived that one. My knee and I are both still present and accounted for, no thanks to modern medicine. My knee is the little knee that could. Or maybe I'm thinking of my liver.  The ailments all begin to run together after awhile.  But there is an upside to my hypochondria and the fan to the flames that is the internet.  A) It generally causes me to cut back on the alcohol consumption.  That is my only un-healthy habit (and granted, I'm rather fond of it) and I therefore place the blame for any health concerns squarely on alcohol and it's strong, bottle-shaped shoulders. And B) Whatever vague symptom first prompted me to go online in search of horrible diseases is no longer at issue as I have much, much bigger fish to fry.  Such as my impending doom.

1 comment:

  1. Have you ever noticed that during almost 98% of your blogs there's an ad for alcohol rehab attached to the left. I find that hilarious- in fact I think I'll do a shot in honor of it. :)