Friday, November 13, 2009

Excuse Me?

As many of you know, my parents have had a little adventure abroad.  My mom calls me from Paris last Monday and says, "Goobie! (nickname....loooong story.....I'll get to that another time) We're in Paris! (duh) My stomach hurts!"  Okay mom......I'm sure it's just from traveling.  Didn't think much of it.  As the week wears on, we get daily phone calls at a ridiculously early hour.  Mom doesn't seem to grasp that although it may be noon in France, it's 4 a.m. in Colorado.  So we blow her off.  She did actually call last Thursday at a reasonable hour (cocktail hour, in fact, when I myself am feeling considerably more reasonable about most things).  She still had a stomach ache and wanted me to google ovarian cancer symptoms.  Oh, for God's sake mom......FINE.  So I did and she says she thinks she has it.  Okay, mom......last I checked you were not an OBGYN but hey.....apparently there's lots I don't know.  Like that you didn't actually throw that fucking monkey overboard. But I digress.  I talked her off of the ledge (again with the cocktail hour and feeling reasonable) and wished her Bon Voyage, as they were setting sail on a barge trip through the South of France.  The next morning, the phone rings at 5 a.m.. Dave and I looked at each other and said, "Goobie!" in the high pitched tone that is my mother's signature and didn't answer it.  Dave, being Dave, however began to feel guilty and checks the message.  It's my dad.  Mom has been taken by ambulance off of the barge which was fortunately in port.  She is in an incredible amount of pain and is turning yellow.  Told you to watch that wine, mom.  Anyway, bottom line, she's not well and both mom AND dad are pretty freaked out. So they are in the ambulance on their way to the first of what ends up being two hospitals.  Because my dad doesn't have any cash on him with which to pay the driver,THE AMBULANCE DRIVER STOPS AND TAKES HIM TO AN ATM. Ummmmmmm.......isn't the whole premise of an ambulance that it transports seriously ill people to get help quickly?  Like 'cause it's an EMERGENCY?? Maybe I am confused.  "Ohhh......Mr. Jones, I can see that you are missing several limbs and may be bleeding out buuuutttttt......we really need to get paid, so we're just going to stop at this ATM and wheel you over on the gurney......there you go....nice and easy.....".  WHAT THE HELL?  Seriously?   Turns out, she needed an emergency appendectomy.  In France.  My parents don't speak a lick of French.  Well, that's not true.  My dad says he knows, "oui" and "senor".  God.

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