Friday, November 27, 2009
I freely admit I do not get this. I've never gone shopping on the day after Thanksgiving as I have never been so inclined. From what I've seen on TV, it appears to me that you would have to be out of your mother-fucking mind to willingly participate in this melee. In my mind's eye, I picture a bunch of enthusiastic 40-something women bouncing out of bed at some un-godly hour. First of all, who bounces out of bed the morning after Thanksgiving? Any self-respecting person should have at least the suggestion of a hangover. No bouncing. Anyway, I think they probably put on their seasonal sweaters, mom jeans and sensible shoes. Oh, and in all likelihood a coordinating fanny pack as it appears that you might need your hands free for some pushin' and shovin'. So, suitably attired, I'm sure they have a hearty breakfast for sustenance, put some coffee in one of those depressing travel mugs and set out in their mini-vans. See, they haven't even gotten to the stores yet and I want to take them and shake them and show them what fun is really all about. Oh, I'll show you fun. I'll show you more fun than you can shake that Best Buy circular at. You just probably wouldn't live through it. You gals are what make we "Naughty Mommies" naughty. 'Cause you're just not. That's okay. Without you we would not be honored with that time-honored distinction. But anyway, back to how I envision this outing going. After getting into a smackdown with Big Bertha over a Jonas Brother's waffle iron amongst other things, I imagine that these ladies meet at Outback Steakhouse for a Bloomin' Onion. Not sure if you're aware but those things have like, 10,000 calories or something. Oh that's right......seasonal sweater. Badge of desperate resignation. Have some Aussie Cheese Fries with that Bloomin' Onion 'cause it doesn't really matter any more. So then it's back to shopping. I imagine they continue on until dinner time when they haul their weary asses home and regale their (totally interested) husbands with their tales of sweet shopping victory, battle scars and all. I'm sure that is scintillating stuff. They probably don't even make dinner (GASP) out of sheer exhaustion. Here's what I really don't get about this. There is a thing called the internet. The stores all have websites where you CAN BUY THINGS. They have the same sales. THEY WILL DELIVER THESE THINGS TO YOUR DOORSTEP. Click, pay, done, cocktails. That's how my Christmas shopping works. I just don't get why you would willingly participate in this. I honestly think these women MUST think this is fun as there is no other logical explanation. And maybe they have so much pent up aggression that going out and throwing roundhouses at other similarly intentioned women is a highlight of their year. It's not that I'm not a bad-ass. I'm the baddest ass in town. I'll cut a bitch. But if I do, it's going to be over something worthwhile like a man (haaaaaaa......) and not Lucky the Wonder Pup. Just not gonna do it. You guys and the shopping? Good luck with that.