Saturday, November 21, 2009

I Don't Really Care That Your Child is An Honor Student

I really don't.  And I'm willing to bet that nobody else does either.  That being said, bully for you.  I am going to get one that says, "My Kid is Fair to Middling", since we're now going around touting our children's attributes or lack thereof on the back of our cars.  I just don't get the need to let the world at large know how fabulous your child is.  Oh, I get that you are proud.  I would imagine that if my child were an honor student, I too would be rather impressed with not just him but with myself and the superiority of my gene pool. As luck would have it, academia does not seem to be my child's strong suit.  He has MANY other attributes that are pretty killer though.  If I were so inclined, I could slap a "My Child is Really Fucking Funny" sticker on the back of the ol' Volvo.  Or, everybody's favorite classic, "My Kid is Much Bigger and Better Looking Than Your Kid".  We ALL think our children are pretty awesome, even if they're not.  It's that nature/nurture thing that keeps us from eating our young.  We're programmed to think that everything they do is completely and utterly amazing.  Again, even if it's really (really) not.  These stickers are clearly all about the parents as I can't imagine any kid worth his or her salt being down with that.  I would have been mortified if my mother put one of those things on the Family Truckster.  Granted, she was not afforded the opportunity, but that fact is irrelevant.  At some point, this living vicariously through your child thing has got to stop.  I think the sticker should read, "I Don't Really Have Much of a Life But My Kid is Really Smart.  And I Need You to Know That As It is The Only Thing in My Life That Keeps Me From Sticking My Head in the Goddamn Oven".  Newsflash, peeps:  THE KIDS  ARE GOING TO GROW UP AND LEAVE YOU.  Because that is our job as parents.  Raise 'em the best we can and then move 'em on out.  It's the natural progression of things.  When they're gone, we are (God willin' and the creek don't rise) still here.  And we will be needing lives.  'Cause if you don't have one you are going to drive your adult child up a fucking wall and they will avoid you like the plague.  And then you won't be able to get "My Grandchild is an Honor Student" stickers.


  1. Mollie I must concur with this blog. I have never understood how a person can go drop 40K on a new car then slap some 50 cent piece of waterproof paper with glue on it to the bumper... shit I don't even let the dealer put their little sticker on the car telling others I bought it there. If they want me to advertise for them, give me the fucking car for free with that dealership sticker and I won't bitch.

    From my experiences, these same folks who like to wallpaper their cars with their children's accomplishments, are the same ones whose kitchens refrigerator is covered in so much shit you cannot find the door handle. You know the shit I am talking about... kids hand writing samples.... a story with a gold star on it and a big ass A on top.... report cards and so forth. You know there is no way in hell they can clean that damn thing with all that shit on there. Then they go to offer you something to drink, which you know will be Sunny-D or some cancer do good shit pumped full of the vitamins their cooking is lacking. I run screaming no in fear of the salmonella attack waiting to escape out of that thing the second the door opens. Even if you opt for water, they pull out a glass so coated in water spots that putting your lips to it once could supply your bodies calcium requirements for a month.

    I could go on but in general, these honor roll parents are not clean people who respect their property. I wouldn't be surprised if when little Johnny has his wet dream in bed they don't scrapbook the stain.

  2. When Steve was in high school and made in on the honor roll, my dad got one of those stickers in the mail. He managed to turn the "I have an honor roll student at MHS" into "I AM an honor roll student, etc.." and slap it on the bumper of the turd without Steve knowing. Genious!

  3. Obviously I'm not a genius, though, nor an honor roll student as I can't seem to type correctly or spell. I guess Mrs. Edwards was right...I'm mentally challenged:)

  4. I love Jack H. Jack C. too, but Jack H. rocks. We're both mentally challenged. That's why we're friends.