Saturday, November 21, 2009
I Don't Really Care That Your Child is An Honor Student
I really don't. And I'm willing to bet that nobody else does either. That being said, bully for you. I am going to get one that says, "My Kid is Fair to Middling", since we're now going around touting our children's attributes or lack thereof on the back of our cars. I just don't get the need to let the world at large know how fabulous your child is. Oh, I get that you are proud. I would imagine that if my child were an honor student, I too would be rather impressed with not just him but with myself and the superiority of my gene pool. As luck would have it, academia does not seem to be my child's strong suit. He has MANY other attributes that are pretty killer though. If I were so inclined, I could slap a "My Child is Really Fucking Funny" sticker on the back of the ol' Volvo. Or, everybody's favorite classic, "My Kid is Much Bigger and Better Looking Than Your Kid". We ALL think our children are pretty awesome, even if they're not. It's that nature/nurture thing that keeps us from eating our young. We're programmed to think that everything they do is completely and utterly amazing. Again, even if it's really (really) not. These stickers are clearly all about the parents as I can't imagine any kid worth his or her salt being down with that. I would have been mortified if my mother put one of those things on the Family Truckster. Granted, she was not afforded the opportunity, but that fact is irrelevant. At some point, this living vicariously through your child thing has got to stop. I think the sticker should read, "I Don't Really Have Much of a Life But My Kid is Really Smart. And I Need You to Know That As It is The Only Thing in My Life That Keeps Me From Sticking My Head in the Goddamn Oven". Newsflash, peeps: THE KIDS ARE GOING TO GROW UP AND LEAVE YOU. Because that is our job as parents. Raise 'em the best we can and then move 'em on out. It's the natural progression of things. When they're gone, we are (God willin' and the creek don't rise) still here. And we will be needing lives. 'Cause if you don't have one you are going to drive your adult child up a fucking wall and they will avoid you like the plague. And then you won't be able to get "My Grandchild is an Honor Student" stickers.