Tuesday, December 1, 2009

You're Wearing THAT????

I would love it if someone could explain to me what makes certain mommies feel the need to get full-on turned the hell OUT for school drop-off.  It's not like I'm naked or anything.  I've got clothes on.  I like to think of my morning look as "Pilates ready".  Yoga pants, t-shirt of unknown origin, hair in ponty-tail, sunglasses. Having teeth brushed is a moral victory.  So to me, looking at these women in all of their hair-done, high-heeled (I shit you not), fully accessorized glory is like looking at a creature from another planet.  We're talking LIPSTICK here, people.  Who the hell under the age of 70 wears LIPSTICK anymore?  They're teetering down the side-walk (oh, 'cause they actually get OUT of the car....no Hug and Go for them....show-offs....) looking like they are dropping off at the Bromwell Academy on the Upper East Side.  Which is all well and good providing......um......you're actually ON the Upper East Side.  Look around, ladies......see those big, tall, rocky looking things?  They're called MOUNTAINS.  'Cause we live in COLORADO.  Where some of us moved to get away from people like you and your rat-racey, fully-coiffed, Jimmy Choo'd ways.  Carrie and her friends went that way.  They're running in heels after Mr. Big.  The rest of us are just trying to drop off our children and get the hell outta here.  And NO, benefit of the doubt givers (you suck, by the way), they are NOT on their way to work.  I've known them for quite awhile.  They have about as much of a job as I do, which is uh......none whatsoever!!!!  Therefore I can only gather that this display is an attempt to show the other mother's up.  Good luck with that one.  I don't feel shown up.  I feel comfortable.  The way I see it, unless you've got a freakin' butler, you are not required to look good before 9a.m.  In fact it is discouraged as it makes you look rather insecure.  The "Before School Shuffle", as I see it, is the craziest time of the day.  And yes, I am aware that I only have one kid.  Doesn't matter. Our morning routine is still insane.  Breakfast making, lunch packing, homework-that-didn't-get-done-doing, procurement of clothes, locating inevitably missing shoe, brushing teeth, loading backpack, "MOM YOU FORGOT TO PACK ME A SNACK YESTERDAY!!!!".  Shit. Find suitable snack....wouldn't want him to go without a snack two days in a row, God forbid, as he is clearly on the brink of starvation. Tearful goodbye to dog, get halfway to school before realizing some critical item has been left at home, turn around, etc.  Garden variety whirlwind at best and full-on panic at worst.  Sometimes with crying and screaming involved.  There's not a lotta time nor motivation for me to dress to impress.  And if I'm being totally honest, I'd rather save the "hot-mom" thing for something a little more entertaining than school. Like something where cocktails are involved.  And NO, smart-asses, there is nothing more sinister than Diet Coke in Mrs. Christie's early morning Big Gulp cup.  As a card carrying member of the Naughty Mommie's Brigade, I am however flattered that you may have thought otherwise.  My reputation precedes me.  I know who I am.  And so do you, apparently.  For all the wrong reasons.  This gives me endless satisfaction. I don't need no stinkin' heels!!!!!!


  1. omg.. Don't say that at my school!!! I wrecked my foot wearing those stupid heels!!! There are SOME teachers who actually walk around all day with 4 each heels- I make jokes and call them stillettoes! NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

  2. BTW, what do you think of the parents who have the nerve ( I would say something else but I can't) to wear spaghetti straps and/ or low cut tanks/ high cut shorts to school.. UGH! *gag*

    I love parent bashing!!! haha (just kidding)