Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Damn, Baby!

I'm probably going to get my chick card pulled for this one, but it's the truth so I'll just come out with it. I'm not all that nuts about babies. Baby humans, that is. I'm a big fan of baby animals. I'm talking little babies. Like newborn through the starting to do stuff phase. Women are supposed to want to hold little babies apparently, which causes me a great deal of emotional distress. Put me in a room with a newborn and while I may look perfectly composed, I'm looking for a viable means of escape and thinking, "Shit......somebody is going to hand me that damn baby". And then what? "Oooohhhhh......it's.....it's.....a baby!" The problem is that unlike puppies, humans don't come out of the chute looking cute.They're not furry and roly and poly. They just take up space and cry and shit. Literally. Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of kids in general. I just like it when they are capable of being amusing. They get interesting around the time they're able to become a danger to themselves. I guess that's the threshold for my ability to tolerate human beings. Being capable of sticking a fork in an outlet. That's when things start looking up. I know that it's me as most women are drawn to babies like flies on shit. I don't know what my problem is because I find them utterly snooze-worthy. Oh, I'm happy for the new life and for my friends and relatives who have just had a little bundle of joy. I just have a problem mustering much enthusiasm for the cursory holding of the baby and the fake bullshit cooing and and ooohing and ahhhing that follows the, "Want to hold him?" 'Cause you really can't say "Nope", no matter how much you'd like to. I have a feeling that if I said that it would be met with nervous laughter as the baby pusher tries to figure out if I'm being serious or not. Oh, I'm serious alright. That's a very nice baby, I'm sure but I'll disingenuously admire it from right where I'm seated, thanks. No holdin' necessary!!!!

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