Thursday, December 10, 2009


Okay, given the feedback I've received in regards to the hamster car, I think we may be on to something here. I'm thinking hamster racing. Hamsters are cute. Look down below. See that hamster in his tiny hamster helmet and tiny hamster driving gloves? Fluff sells. They're much cuter than a bunch of hillbillies, and look at how well NASCAR does! Hamsters are soft and furry and they have all of their teeth. Kids and women will be all over it. Hell.....some fake fucking hamster is the "toy of the year" this Christmas. We're talking the REAL DEAL here, people and THEY ARE DRIVING!!!! Any advertising person worth their salt knows that if kids and women are all over it, the sponsors will be too. We are talking marketing gold here, baby. I took a look at the list of official NASCAR sponsors.  Amongst them? Gillette, Goodyear, Nicoderm, Old Spice, Prilosec and Home Depot. So you've got your clean shaven old guy with heartburn that smells like bad cologne, is set for building supplies and tires and is crabby 'cause he's trying to quit smoking. What's he gonna buy? He's already spent all his money on cigarettes and spicy food, for Christ's sake! He is not the target consumer that women and children are. Nope. This is a DREAM demographic! You could have everything from the Huggies car to the Massengill car (for that "not so fresh feeling!") and everything in between. The possibilities are limitless. Oh, and hamster racing doesn't take up much real estate. They're hamsters. Tiny. Tiny cars. I like tiny cars now 'cause they're gonna make me some money! Since this was my big idea I want some sweet moniker like, "The Colonel" or something. I'm going to be like Vince McMahon except I'm female and the hamsters won't be wrestling. Although if this racing thing takes off, I'm open to wrestling. You know it's fake, so I can't get in any Michael Vick-style trouble. Can't you see 'em flying off the ropes? They could have little costumes and everything. Again, tiny ring! You cold have a whole hamster fun-plex actually with HASCAR in one section and WHWF going on in another. Hamster themed games and restaurants.......a roller coaster where you ride in hamster shaped cars......I'm thinking Mall of America, just with no stores. Hamsters. Hamster-mania. I'm serious. The first ten investors are in. After that, we're going to sit back and count our money and the rest of you will be on the outside looking in, noses pressed to the glass of our sweet corporate HQ, wishing you had been hamster-visionaries. "Security? Have them removed.....they're disturbing the hamsters. And the bazillionaires." I'm going to go look into having "Deep Thoughts" stickers made for our car. And maybe for the Hamster G-5, too. Ladies and Gentlemen (and hamsters, of course!), START YOUR ENGINES!!!!!! And the crowd goes wild!!!!!

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