Sunday, December 6, 2009
Ho, Ho, Ho, Dumbass.
I woke up in a cold sweat during the middle of the night. I initially thought this was largely due to the dog sleeping on my head. Upon further investigation it was not just the dog-hat but the sudden realization that I've got to throw Jack's class "Holiday" party in less than two weeks. Not really a problem as I've done tons of classroom parties over the last five years. What makes this particular party a challenge is that we must NOT refer to it as a Christmas party nor include any elements of Christmas in the execution of said soiree. Dude. It's a freakin' Christmas party. I know it. You know it. We have become so politically corrrect and fearful of offending people that we are making assholes of ourselves. "Ohhhh.....can't say 'Christmas'!". God forbid. Although I have a propensity towards gross exaggeration, I do not believe I am doing so when I state that 97% of the student body at Jack's school celebrates Christmas. It's pretty homogeneous. What happened to majority rules? It's not like we're mocking other religions or excluding the remaining 3%. And if there is a child in Jack's class this year that celebrates something else, I would LOVE to accommodate them and learn about their celebration. Throw it into the mix. That's cool. Cultural diversity. I'm all for it. Pretending that the winter holidays are secular however, is total bullshit. It's not about snowmen. And snowflakes. And fuckin' penguins. 'Cause that's pretty much what we're left with. Can't do reindeer as they're related to Santa which is related to Christmas. Elves? Nope. Candy Canes? Can't have those at a CHRISTMAS PARTY that can't be called a Christmas party. It seems to me that by pretending that there is no religious background to these celebrations we're doing our kids a disservice. The attempt to not offend at all costs is teaching our kids a crappy lesson. Life is offensive. Get used to it. It offends me daily. Another thing that offends me and happens to fit right into our little discussion this morning is parents who use the school as a forum to create Hollywood-style spectacles in an attempt to show everyone how fabulous they are. Were it sanctioned, Rudolph the flippin' Red Nosed Reindeer would be at the party giving flying rides and signing autographs. It's really, really ridiculous. And it bugs people. Take the money with which you are buying party favors engraved with each child's name and give it to the teacher who actually needs it for classroom supplies. The kids do not need this shit. Particularly at a school like Jack's where they are largely a pack of spoiled little cretins. My own cretin included. The last thing that child needs is more "stuff" particularly at this time of year. It's ridiculous. Bring some cupcakes and punch, play "Winter Wonderland" BINGO, give the kids a little bag of lead-filled trinkets from China courtesy of Oriental Trading Co., and you're gold. I've never had a complaint. They're kids. They don't notice the catered meal you've provided for the parents to enjoy or the hot chocolate bar with Godiva 97% cacao shavings, hand-whipped cream and candy-cane stirrers. Rule violation with the candy canes, by the way. The bottom line is that people know what you're doing. We're not all saying, "Oh, isn't that wonderfully fabulous". We're saying, "Oh, aren't you a couple of dumb-asses". And it's annoying as hell. Knock it off. And Merry Christmas to ya.