Okay, fellas......yesterday it was all about the lady bits. Today, we shall have a tutorial on "manscaping". Frankly, I'm not all that nuts about this whole "metrosexual" thing which I'm pretty sure is from whence the term "manscaping" sprung. I just don't think straight men should be overly groomed. If someone is going to throw me over his shoulder and carry me out of a burning building, I don't really care what kind of product is in his hair or how dewy his skin appears. There's something to be said for a man being a "man". We girls are supposed to be pretty. They're not. They're supposed to be rugged. To that end, here's my take on the whole deal.
Facial Hair:I'm fine with facial hair. Just not lone mustaches on men under 50. Particularly if you sleep in my bed. You know who you are. All of ya. Joking, Dave. Do the goatee thing. A little scruff can be appealing. Again with the rugged. Oh, and shaving your sideburns into ridiculous shapes? Ridiculous is the operative word. It makes you look like you should be sporting head to toe Ed Hardy. John Gosselin wears Ed Hardy. I repeat, John Gosselin wears Ed Hardy.
Eyebrows: You've got to be very careful here, gentlemen.....while nobody likes a uni-brow, if you do not wax judiciously you will end up looking like that Jesse Metcalfe idiot from Desperate Housewives. I think that pretty much says it all. He looks like he has two very distinct caterpillars, one perched over each eye. And no patterns shaved into the eyebrows, please. Again with the Ed Hardy. Or worse, for those of us old enough to remember, the Vanilla Ice.
Ear/Nose Hair: While I don't condone metrosexuality in heterosexual males (I think most metrosexuals are actually homosexuals that have not come to terms with themselves yet, but we can discuss that another time....I think they should say it loud and say it proud.....), trimming nose and ear hair falls into the "Wipe Yourself" category. As in DO IT and don't even think about it. It's automatic. You simply cannot have hair coming out of your ears or nose. Not acceptable. I don't care how you get it out, just get it out. Instant "ewwwww". It looks like your brain is growing hair and had no place else to go.
Chest Hair: Very divisive topic. Some chicks dig it, some find it to be pretty nasty. I personally take it on a case by case basis. If you have an affinity towards gold chains, are overweight, are of indeterminate Mediterranean origin, that's cool. Just don't take it to the beach. Cover that shit up. And quit lookin' at me. Oh, I see you leering from behind those Foster Grants....I'd squirt you with a water bottle if I had one. I don't know what makes it okay on some men and not on others. It's personal preference, I guess. Some people like Yetis. Some people don't. I think it's about confidence and being okay with who you are. If you are straight, don't wax or shave your chest. Let it be. What's the point? Plus, it makes you look fussy. Men should not be fussy. That's our job. Now the next subject is another matter altogether......
Back Hair: Sweet Baby Jesus, if you have back hair you need to panic. Immediately. And fuss if necessary as this is fuss-worthy. Proceed as if you have been attacked by locusts as this is a crisis of Biblical proportions. You CANNOT have back hair. It is NEVER okay. EVER. I know it's not fair that what's okay up front is SO not in back but I'm just givin' to you straight......there is not a woman alive that is going to get off on running her fingers through your hairy-ass back. Oh.....ass hair is fine, by the way.
The Southern Hemisphere: While doing my research on this topic, I learned that adult film stars dare to go bare down there as they are under the impression that the ladies want to see more of the goods. You know, when my friends and I are sitting around watching porn, this is a hot topic for debate. WAIT a second, no it's not 'cause women don't watch porn unless coerced. So this leaves to me to believe that all of this nut-shaving is for the benefit of other men. And the straight ones aren't paying that much attention as they are likely more concerned with what is going on in their own pants at this point in time. So it's for the benefit of the gay men watching straight porn. Which once again brings to the forefront my theory on metrosexuality. Oh, and I also learned that some men are under the impression that this grooming habit makes them look bigger. I almost laughed out loud while writing that 'cause dude.....if you need to go to those lengths to look bigger, you've got trouble. Don't bother. Work on your sparkling personality. By the time you reel her in with your charm, maybe she won't notice your shortcomings. She probably will but I felt compelled to say that.
Miscellaneous:Brush your teeth. Duh. Smell okay but not too okay. Smelling too okay implies that you are trying too hard. Cut your nails. Longish nails on guys are totally creepy. Don't use too much product in your hair. I was going to start going into advice upon matters of attire such as "don't wear socks with sandals" but that's another entry altogether. Oh, the fun we could have. Let's look forward to that.