Friday, December 11, 2009

At the Root of the Matter.....

Today is a very exciting day here at Deep Thoughts as it is hair appointment day!!!! 42-year old women love them their hair appointments. Hurray!!!! I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: my hair is not really blonde. Don't tell anybody. Carpet and drapes aren't even close. Although the carpet may be needing some attention in the not too distant future as I made a rather alarming discovery there recently. As this is a family oriented literary outlet, I will refrain from going into details at this time. All I can say is that I may be joining the "Silver Beavers" team at the local bowling alley sooner than later. As far as my crowning glory goes (my head, head....get your minds out of the gutter....) I didn't mean to be blonde. It's just that the grayer my hair gets the blonder it needs to be to mask the offending silver strands for longer than a week. When it's brown, the roots start showing real quick like. We cannot have this. I say all of this "natural woman" crap is a bunch of bullshit. Nobody looks good with gray hair. It doesn't make you look natural, it makes you look elderly. And I'm not going there. I'm going to my hair appointment. I will go on record as stating that if I were on Skid Row, and I'm not far off, I would find a way to get my hair done. I would get a cardboard sign and just spell it out. I wouldn't lie and say I was hungry. I would state the obvious: Need Money Badly as Look Like a Hag. Maybe I'd bring Grady with me and have him look all embarrassed that he has to be seen with someone with such hideous roots. Actually, scratch that. Indigent people don't have well fed, pedigreed Labrador Retrievers. If I'm going for sympathy, that probably wouldn't be helpful. Maybe I'll borrow a parrot. Bird people look crazy. "Oh, Phil......look at that poor woman.......she has roots AND a parrot.....what's wrong with this society that things like this must happen? Roll down the window. I'm giving her money".  SCORE! You see, as my mother told me recently during a nice, unsolicited mother/daughter lecture, it's all about priorities. You are correct mom. And mine is my hair. How am I going to be a classy ho with gray hair? 'Cause remember how we talked about "back-up plans?" That's mine. High-priced middle-aged "escort". So don't consider my hair appointment to be a luxury. Consider it an investment in my future. Wait, you don't actually have to do "it" with the gross men, do you? Maybe I'll just be a stripper. In that case I'll be needing a tummy-tuck. Might need a bigger sign. Hmmmm.

1 comment:

  1. hmmm another thing you might change your mind about later... I've left off the brown dies for good now. After a certain...let's call it 'point'... the shade of brown doesn't match the wrinkles even remotely. I thought of blonde... but just don't see me wearing it. So grey it is now.