Monday, December 7, 2009

RIP Rhino

Holy dog coughed up another sock today. This does not bode well for "Rhino" the hamster. We don't own Rhino yet. This hamster is the only thing Jack wants for Christmas. My mom does not support this idea. Because I am a grown-up, I summarily dismissed her unsolicited advice. "Goobie!  The dog will eat the hamster".  Whatever, mom.  If the only thing your child wanted in this life was a goddamn hamster, wouldn't you give it to him? Oh wait, no, you probably wouldn't. Forgot about my hardscrabble upbringing. I probably got socks. Which reminds me, my mom actually DID get me socks last year for Christmas. Cashmere socks. That need to be hand-washed. Okaaayyyyyy........I don't have time to scratch myself but I've got time to hand-wash socks? And what, go put them out to dry with clothes pins on my imaginary clothes-line? But I digress. Hamster. Dog. Being a reasonable woman (an oxymoron if there ever was one, I know) I was trying to come up with a scenario in which the dog would actually get ahold of the hamster. Jack has repeatedly assured me that this could NEVER, EVER happen. "MOM....I'M NOT AN IDIOT!!!". Errrrr......okay. But you're ten. That makes you kind of an idiot. Anyway, Rhino is getting this swinging hamster-pad. It's even got a little hanging platform that Rhino can chill on in addition to the wheel. And because Rhino is a playa, he's getting not the "liberty ball" that normal hamsters get. No, no....he's getting a little car that serves as a hamster exercise vehicle. Jack is under the impression that Rhino will be wearing a little helmet while driving. He told me this. I think he's going to be sorely disappointed with the whole hamster experience in general but when he finds out that hamsters can't drive he's going to be devastated. I wish they could drive......"Hey Rhino......can you come pick me up? I was over-served. Yes, again, smartass. On your way? Awesome. Thanks, my man". Although he'd have to come in his tiny car and we all know my position on that. So with the cool crib and the car to contain him yet offer him unlimited freedom, Jack doesn't see how Rhino could possibly find himself in Grady's jaws of certain death. The more I think about it the more I hate to admit that my mom is probably right. And you just KNOW how the scene is going to play out. It'll be in the afterglow of Christmas morning and Jack will be putting Rhino in his vehicle. He'll drop him, Grady will snatch him up and all hell will break loose. Mom: "GOOOOBIEEEEE!!!!! THE DOG HAS THE HAMSTER!!!!!!!!" A chase will ensue. The dog, having practiced on multiple items of fine footwear will swallow it whole and give a hearty burp. And then look around, like, "What?!" This will result in screaming and crying from a child whose hamster dreams had all come true only to be crushed before they ever really had a chance to begin. And then there's the whole thing with my mom and the smug satisfaction that comes with being right. "Goobie, when will you learn to listen to your old mom?". Gack. Oh, and from the ever-sensitive dad....."How much did you spend on that thing?" Perfect. That's a very Christie Christmas right there. It's not a party 'til something gets broken. Or eaten.

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