Friday, December 11, 2009
Things That Go Bump in the Night
My husband is having one of those stretches during which the universe appears to be taking a gigantic poop on your head. Just all kinds of shit raining down on him. Being married to me does not help but I believe that is one of those "If you hang long enough you get used to hanging" kinda things. A bunch of shit has gone wrong at our house....the sink, the sewer line.....just garden variety ass-pains. Oh, and the "German's" (as we refer to the renters of our OTHER house, because they're um....German.....) are acting up again. German's are a little particular it seems. So he's been dealing with that as well as a bunch of other stuff. And have I mentioned that he's a REALTOR? I know, I know. That alone is grounds for throwing yourself on your sword these days. In the famous words of my father, "It's bad. It's REALLY bad". Thank you, oh great prognosticator of doom. The not getting paid was our first indicator of the gravity of the situation. That was the point at which we stopped lighting money on fire just because it was fun. Hiring midgets to dance while we shot at their feet was the next to go. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Let it never be said that we were not willing to make the hard choices. Anyway, poor, long-suffering Dave comes home from a gig last night a little after two. As I pretty much don't sleep, ever, I was up and inquired as to how his evening had gone. PLSD just shakes his head and declares that he just rocked his ass off for nothing. Seems as he was making the ascent up our hill, in his foggy state he forgot about the world's largest speed bumps, did not accommodate for the first one and a speaker flew up and shattered his rear windshield. Now, were there not a backstory here, I would just chalk it up to this being one of those things. Because there is, I chalk it up to the freaking idiots that just had these speedbumps made larger and more menacing. You see, there are houses on either side of the main drag that leads up to our neighborhood, which essentially climbs a mountain. There are A LOT of houses back here and only one way in and out. Well, the people that live on the most densely populated portion of this road have been having shit fits and suing God and all creation because they claim that people go flying down this road and are endangering their children. The first thing I have to say to that is, "YOU HAVE BACKYARDS. WHY MUST YOU PERSIST IN HAVING YOUR CHILDREN PLAY IN A FRONT YARD THAT FACES A BUSY STREET?!" Secondly, nobody MADE you buy this particular house. You knew it was on a main thoroughfare. Are they putting speed bumps all over Manhattan? No, they are not. People that live there expect that there will be traffic and teach their children to, oh, I don't know......STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT???? So anyway, these people first tried having the cops stake out this stretch of road, but as NOBODY IS EXCEEDING THE SPEED LIMIT, nothing came of it. Nor did anything come of their standing in their driveways yelling at people who were doing nothing more but leaving the neighborhood at a reasonable rate of speed. Being sufficiently frustrated that people were not getting out of their cars and walking with them as they roll down the hill, this crowd of fun-meisters decided to take definitive action. They had the speed bumps increased to a size that has caused not just a shitstorm of controversy amongst the numerous HOA's involved but actual damage to vehicles. I was staying out of the fray but now that one of MY vehicles has been damaged, I am spittin' mad. You know how I was talking about theoretic giant poops? Well in this case I don't believe it will be the universe that's delivering. And the broken glass in your front-yard? Sorry about that.