Thursday, December 17, 2009

Do As I Say, Not As I.....Oh Screw It

Oh, I'm a great, big, fat hypocrite. Well, I'm not actually fat thanks to my properly functioning thyroid.....go thyroid, go thyroid, it's your birthday, it's your birthday. Oh dear....Dave! Get the tranquilizer's time....again. But I am a hypocrite. I'm throwing the fourth grade "HOLIDAY" party tomorrow. And while I have not commissioned Rudolph to fly their little asses around scenic Willow Springs, I am making myself somewhat crazy with the thing. Some of you Red Rock's parents will recall "the cupcakes". Oh, I didn't make any mommy friends with "the cupcakes". If I were not me I would have hated on me. Hell, I AM me (I think....getting confused) and sometimes I hate on me. They were first rolled out in Kindergarten. This was before I had set my cap to debauchery and had lots of free time. Behaving horribly takes a great deal of energy and committment. If it was easy, every sucka would be doing it. Anyway, the confections in question are snowman cupcakes. They are 3-D. They have individually hand painted (food dye carefully applied with toothpick) faces. And arms made out of pretzel sticks. Scarves? Yup. Fruit Roll Ups. Nose made of tiny slice of orange candy. Hat? But of course, lambs. Thin Mint topped with Junior Mint. Oh they're good. They're damn good. A kid told his mom that he didn't want to eat it because he loved it so much. Mommy didn't like that. And she's one of the gifted and talented bitches. Hee hee. Burn, sizzle, char. I made the cupcakes again in second grade, which is the last time I did a classroom party. Last year I had kids coming up to me saying, "Mrs. Christie why aren't you doing our class parties this year?" "Well, you see, Jimmy, Mrs. Christie has decided to take up drinking and swearing and being a general menace to society in lieu of doing charitable good works.  Run along now.....that's a good boy." Well, this year I feel compelled. Well, not compelled so much as backed into a corner. I'm the room parent and nobody else volunteered. So it's on. And much like my present wrapping, if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna DO IT. So if anybody needs me, my hypocritical self will be in my kitchen using frosting to glue hats on snowmen. 

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