Thursday, December 3, 2009

International Incident

There's this pretty cool "widget" that you can put on your blog called "site meter". It allows you not only to see how many visits and page views your blog is generating (so you know if you're wasting your damn time or if people are actually reading this drivel), it tells you what countries the views are coming from. This has proved to be somewhat mind boggling. So far I've had page views from Malaysia, French Polynesia, Turkey, France, Sweden, the Netherlands, Belgium, Australia, Canada,etc, etc.  I have no freakin' idea how or why these people found this thing, but I'm awfully glad they did. Some stuff I can explain.  I've got some kick-ass friends in Scotland and so I'm pretty sure that explains views from my ancestral homeland. God, I hope it's not any of my relatives. My grandfather would be spinning in his grave. Sorry. I didn't mean to turn out this just happened. So anyway, this international business is all super cool and it makes me feel like quite the citizen of the world. I can now say I've offended people globally. Suh-weet. What is NOT sweet is the visit I had from Islamabad. That's right. Paki-fuckin'-stan. This would not be all that alarming were it not for the fact that the particular piece of fine literature this reader perused mentioned the key words "911, Manhattan and first responder". Seems to be a little more than coincidental. It happened to be about my dad driving his car into the pool so I'm sure they were rather disappointed with the content. So in all likelihood, there's some crazy ass terrorist sitting over there that gets alerted anytime someone says certain words on the internet. Looking for friends or co-conspirators? Sorry. Barking up the wrong tree with this girl. I like being an American. It's actually pretty great. I don't think you guys would like me too much. In fact, I'd probably get stoned if I was one of you. I'm pretty sure I commit several stoneable offenses hourly. And if pressed, I'd have to identify my eyes as my best feature so I don't really think I want to be covering my damn head. So anyway, having mentioned those words again here today, if I look and see that somebody from Islamabad is back on my site I'm going to freak the fuck out and call the FBI. I just hope they don't take my computer. That would be bad.  Holy crap.....this just occurred to me......what if it's Osama bin Laden?? OH. MY. GOD. What if public enemy number one is a fan of Deep Thoughts and I just found him!!!!! Ousted from his cave because he just couldn't resist those little pearls of wisdom tossed out by a slightly off-balance American housewife. Wait 'til he reads my upcoming tutorial on "manscaping!". At least he'll be well groomed when we come and get his ass, thanks!!! Dave and Mikey thought they spotted him driving a big-rig on 1-80 a couple of years back. Sorry boys,I believe it is little ol'ME who has saved the world. This has obviously been my intention all along. Clearly. I just hope they don't make me come with. I'm not riding a goat through some dusty-ass country. It's not like I'm going to identify him or anything. We all know what he looks like. Tall, skinny guy with a scraggly beard (hellooooo.....manscaping.....) wearing a robe and a little white hat. I'll just wait here. That, my friends, might actually land me in People magazine, which has long been my life's ambition.  I might even really get on Oprah with that one. Awesome.

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