Friday, April 23, 2010
Okay, so this guy from Missouri won the $285 million dollar Powerball lottery. I was planning on winning that but became distracted and forgot to buy what would surely have been the winning ticket because I was going to wish really, really hard. God would want me to have the money as I would surely do good works with the money. Like buy myself a Pilates reformer. Hey.....charity begins at home, man. Anyway, this guy, who seems really nice, said he's going to catch up on bills with the money. That's a shit load of bills! My opinion it that he should invest in some teeth while he's at it. It never ceases to amaze me what teeth can do for a person. Now, before I get called out on this by some wiseacre member of my posse, it is true that I am missing a tooth. But it's on purpose. I had a really, really crappy experience with a root canal (not that they're ever fun but this was a particularly hideous, scarred for life kind of event). I was not too keen to get the recommended implant at the time. And frankly I've kind of forgotten about it. It's a molar. I've got lots. Choppity chop, chop, chop. Outta sight, outta mind. I'll get around to it eventually. Like when my turn to win Powerball comes. So pretty soon! I can assure you that if this tooth was visible, it would have been taken care of immediately. You could be the most beautiful, intelligent person going and having missing teeth instantly betrays you. It is impossible to look past it. Which is not fair, particularly if it misrepresents you. And for some reason it runs rampant in the South. Toothlessness is a scourge on the blighted landscape of the redneck mouth it seems. That and chickens. Although they're in the front yard rather than the mouth, at least while alive. I hope. Before everybody gets all mad at me, I KNOW there are reasons for missing teeth. My own beloved nephew knocked one of his front teeth out skateboarding and for some reason they can't implant one until he's thirteen or something. And he's eight. He looks kinda cute though. He's got a twinkle. AND he's a kid. I don't have a problem with toothless kids. So, if you're an adult and are missing some choppers, don't throw shit at me. Remember, I am one of you. It's just a secret. Shhhhhhh.