Out of the Mouths of Boys

Actual conversations taking place during lacrosse carpool:

Jack: Why is there a whale called, "Moby Dick"?

E: I've got a feeling I know why but your mom is in the car.

Jack: Oh, 'cause he's got a big "you know"?

E: I'm pretty sure.

Hysterical laughter.

Then.....

Jack: Hey Mom! We took a virtual tour of Bent's Fort at school today.

Me: Who's Ben? 

Jack: BENT'S. GOD MOM. BENT'S. He was a guy in the olden days. He got pissed at the government and tried to blow his fort up.

Me: Like a frontier version of the uni-bomber?

Jack: Uni-WHAT?

Me: Nevermind. Continue.

E: And before he tried to blow the fort up, everybody had to poop in a cup. 

Me: Like in celebration before the explosion?

Jack: No, they had to poop in cups back in those days.

Me: That takes quite alot of precision. And what did you do after you pooped in the cup? Throw it out the window?

E: Yep. What if you were a guy leaning against the wall smoking a pipe and the poop landed on his head?

Me: Well, I guess they'd start calling him, "Ol' Poopy Head".

More hysterical laughter. Cheap crowd. 

God. I think I'm a ten-year old boy trapped in a 42-year old woman's body. I'm having far too much fun with this. The only problem is that I have to edit what I say. Because check out THIS little pearl of wisdom my offspring tossed out in the car yesterday as we were talking about Jack and E's Dad's and what they do for a living.

Jack: My dad's a real estate broker and a rock star.

E: My dad's a lawyer and an engineer.

Me: E's dad went to Michigan.

Jack: WHAT?! Your dad went to MICHIGAN???? SCREW YOUR DAD. 

E: My dad said it's a good school.

Me: (furious backpeddling) Uh.......see, E.....Jack's dad and I went to Michigan State and there's quite a rivalry between the two. Michigan is an EXCELLENT school.

Jack: WHAT!!!! NO IT'S NOT.

Me: (shooting daggers in the rearview mirror) JACK. STICK A SOCK IN IT. NOW.

God. I sincerely hope this was not reported back to our Wolverine friend and neighbor........"Dad, Jack said you should go screw yourself". Hmmmmm. Self-editing. What a concept. I wonder what junior is saying when I'm NOT around. I shudder to think.