You Really CAN'T Make This Stuff Up.......

I just returned from my son's fourth grade classroom. I've known most of these kids since kindergarten what with all of the room motherin' and all. Every year, each class comes up with something to donate for the upcoming silent auction which is one of our two biggest fundraisers. I like it 'cause you can drink while raising money for school. That's what I'M talking about. As the room mother, the silent auction item is my responsibility. I went to talk to the kids because not only have I completely slacked off (auction is a week from Saturday) I am burned out and go all stunned trout when I even attempt to come up with something. I've got NOTHIN'. I've done it four out of the last five years. We've done painted pottery, we've done mosaics, blah, blah, blah. I used to be quite gung-ho. Since I'm not I figured the kids would be a good resource as they have not yet been beaten down by the world and are still hopeful about life and therefore are still able to be creative. Oh, they'll get theirs. So they have some cute ideas.......a cookbook, a movie basket, picture frames, etc. One particularly high-spirited child is practically jumping out of his chair and waving his hands around. "Mrs. Christie, Mrs. Christie (it's okay in a classroom setting to address me as such), pick me!" "Okay, Joey (not his real name), whatcha got?" Joey: "I think we should auction off a HOBO!!!!" (riotous laughter erupts, from me as well) Me: "Ummmm.......first of all, I don't think auctioning off human hobos is very politically correct and second of all, what would the winning bidder do with he or she?" Joey: "I don't know but who WOULDN'T want a hobo?" Um.....ME? It was then suggested that we not just auction off the hobo (they said we would give him food and shelter, so I'm thinking there is some sort of twisted philanthropic motivation behind this, thank GOD) but we would PAINT the hobo first. With the children's names. I am NOT making this shit up. "And up for bid from Mr. A's fourth grade class, Harry the Painted Hobo!!!!" Stunned silence. Well, it IS a silent auction. Even more alarming than the hobo as auction item was the fact that Joey then went on to inform me that a hobo lives in the rocks behind his house. I LIVE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROCKS BEHIND HIS HOUSE. Apparently this hobo has quite the set-up back there and has been stealing things from houses and throwing rocks at people. So now we've got a dog sniper and a thieving hobo who likes to stone passersby. Somehow I don't think the two are related as if the hobo had a gun, he wouldn't be throwing rocks. Okay, I've got a really bad headache and have to sit down to digest what just transpired. And I also need to come up with something for the auction that doesn't involve body paint. Help me...................