C'mon, Vogue!

Having recently caused a scandal by making fun of "mom-jeans" (amongst other things), I feel compelled to point out that's it's not like I'm walking around looking like I was personally dressed by Anna freakin' Wintour or something. I wear workout clothes all day. Sometimes stinky workout clothes. And oftentimes they don't even match. Make-up? Nada. I prefer to think of myself as "fresh-faced" when I'm out and about during the day. "Offensive-un-even complexioned-scaring children-faced" is probably more like it but whatevs. I'm not trying to impress anybody at this late date. And as far as the jeans go, it's not like mine are anything fancy. They're Lucky Brand. One of my friends keeps trying to pull them up 'cause she said they make me look like I've got a load in my pants. Well, maybe I do! What's it to ya? Hey, they were 50% off! I have this thing about not buying something unless it's on sale. Paying full price makes me feel like a sucka. A sucka that has no concept of the value of a dollar. If you knew from whence I sprang, you would know that valuing a dollar is um......valued. I used to fall into the trap of buying something simply because it was a smokin' deal. I eventually realized however, that buying stuff I didn't need in an attempt to save money only yielded a pile of unwanted clothes and a depleted bank account. For awhile I was into buying NWT (new with tag!) Lilly Pulitzer (I know, I know but people wear that shit where I'm from, even if they're not old.....I don't wear it anymore.....doesn't fly in Colorado) stuff on eBay. And because I'm pretty competitive I would find myself in frequent bidding wars. I didn't really even want Lilly overalls with pink cats and green fishies (irony!) all over them but I was going to be goddamned if sweetpea89 was going to swipe them out from under me. Uh-uh. Mine. Hands off, sweetpea. I'd back away from the overalls if I were you. That's right. Nice and slow. 'Cause I WILL outbid you even if it means that my family will be eating beanie weenies for the foreseeable future. The kitty-alls are still sitting in my closet. Four years later. Still NWT. But that's all behind me now. When I do wear something other than than workout clothes, it's the aforementioned Lucky Brand or Free People. Nothing fancy. Purchased on sale. And black boots. I have two pairs of black boots that I've worn into the ground. I like to think that they look "vintage" which is code for "dirty and on the verge of falling apart" but I like that about them. In general though, I really don't even like shoes that much. They don't move me. They're shoes. Why do I want somebody looking at my feet? The good stuff is all up here! Oh, and I have a truly bizarre aversion to jewelry. I probably suffer from some sort of sensory disorder as I can't stand to have anything on my body. Other than clothes, of course. I don't even have pierced ears. So I don't even have the good sense to be properly accessorized, darlings. I know. Collective gasp. So the bottom line is that although I may poke fun at mom jeans, I am certainly not a fashion "do". I do, however, know that having your boobs hit your waistband is a fashion "don't". Just don't. Really. I'm sayin' it out of love. Well, for most of you anyway. There are a couple of you that deserve your mom jeans. Something about karma. Tattle-tales. Boo.