St. Dorkentine's Day

I'm sure I'm going to catch all kinds of shit for this but I'm just going to say it. I hate Valentine's Day. Truly. First of all, I think it puts a ton of pressure on people, particularly men. It sets them up and allows a bunch of insecure women to say, "SHOW me how much you love me.....DANCE, mother fucker!!!!". I don't like that. Apparently women have a specific picture in their minds as to what their significant other SHOULD do. If he falls short (as he's bound to do because he has no idea what she's thinking) he's screwed. That's not fair. It's not that I have any problem with shows of affection. I think they're tremendous. I just don't think having ONE day that is brimming with expectations is the time for it. Show me you love me all of the time by being cool. Or when I least expect it. "Dear Mol, Happy Flag Day you sexy bitch (because my stove is NOT the only sexy bitch in town)!". Sigh. It's kind of like Mother's Day. I know my child loves me. He tells me all the time. I don't need to go out for brunch and be given a corsage to know this. I frankly think these things are designed for people who DON'T feel loved daily and need to demand a show of affection on these dorky holidays. I feel plenty loved. I also feel plenty annoyed with the dumb ass shit that retailers are pushing at this time of year. Pajama Grams? Seriously? The pajamas come in a hat box! With bath confetti! And a "do not disturb" sign. Oh, for fuck's sake. You will need that sign when you see the "Hoodie Footie" thing these people are pushing. Picture pink baby pajamas. With hood. And kangaroo pocket! THAT is disturbing. And will get you laid FOR SURE. Or not. That says, "I was forced to purchase you something for this horrible Hallmark holiday but would rather chew off my left arm than have sex with you......love ya honey!" We've also got the God awful jewelry that is supposed to be a total expression of undying love. Please. Like the "Love's Embrace" pendant. "You will always be surrounded by the strength of my love". Okay, stalker. It actually says that on the Kay Jewelers ad. The love part, not the stalker part. Gag. Then we have the stuffed animal thing. YOU DO NOT GIVE ADULTS STUFFED ANIMALS. This will cause them to go crazy and festoon the rear window of their sedans with them. And guys, don't forget the flowers! Roses suck. I actually think that fresh flowers are a rather grand, if extravagant gesture. They're beautiful and transient. I see the romance in that. They're almost tragic in that they're doomed. And any great love story involves some element of tragedy. But roses? Could you be any more obvious? Personally, I like peonies. Big, fluffy, fragrant peonies. But clearly I'm the exception to the rule given the volume of overpriced roses being sold around now. It seems that men are supposed to give women chocolate at this time of year as well and I don't like that either (shit, am I turning into Andy Rooney?). I freely admit that I may not get the chocolate thing as I am not a "sweets" person. I'm more of a "cheese and alcohol" person. But how is giving someone a box of instant regret romantic? 'Cause you know NOBODY feels good about themselves after gorging themselves on chocolate. "Oh, gee....thanks for the five extra hours of cardio I'm going to have to do to keep this off of my ass!". And then, to round out the list of ridiculous things that must be done for Valentine's day is the "romantic dinner". Sounds great. Overpaying to eat at a crowded restaurant with a bunch of other couples who are intermittently gazing across the table at one another or uncomfortably looking about the room for any obvious means of escape. I can not imagine imagine anything I'd rather do less. So anyway, I am officially protesting Valentine's Day on the grounds that it is stupid. That's just me. As you were. Carry on.

(c) 2010
Copyright (c) by Mollie Christie, 2010 all rights reserved.