Un-Friending

I decided recently to clean some house.  My social networking crack is Facebook.  When you kick somebody to the curb on what we devotees refer to as FB, you "un-friend" them. I've decided to break down the candidates for un-friending into categories just to make sure I am not missing anybody who is annoying me and is therefore being escorted to the revolving door of my wrath.

1. People Who Were Cool in High School That I am Now Cooler Than:  I just wanted them to know that.  I freely admit it.  Point proven. Buh-bye.  You may have been the shiz back then, but judging from your pics and sad sack existence, the worm has turned in rather significant fashion.  Revenge is a dish best served cold.  And maybe bitter really IS the new black.

2. Lurkers/Non-participants.I'm not talking about the people who are observers.  I get that not everybody cares to throw it all out there but if you opened a Facebook account just to stalk your old girlfriend and somehow we became friends, I really have no use for you.  Un-friend.

3.  Right/Left/2012 Freaks/Freaks of Any Ilk:  These are often the people that send you friend requests and you have no idea who they are but you figure you'll roll the dice.  Your agenda is giving me a headache. And it's boring as hell.  See ya.

4.  The "Too Much Information" Friends:  Now, for those of you that know me, this may come as a bit of a surprise as there's not much I won't share.  I will say however, that the fact that you ran out of milk half-way through filling your bowl of Wheaties this morning is of little use to me.  Or to anybody else, really.  The fact that you are not aware of this leads me to......un-friend.  Sorry, you're harmless.  And therein lies the rub.

5.  The "I Must Have Been Drunk When I Friended You" Friends:  This is entirely my fault, not yours.  Sometimes after several cocktails, friending your child's elementary school principal seems like a good idea.  It is not.  There are people in the world you do not want to arm with too much information.  The principal may take the fact that I spent $650 at Tipsy's (local liquor super-store) last month the wrong way.  Maybe I was giving all of that cheap wine to hobos or something. You can't prove I drank it.  Anyway, you are excused but you still must go.  And for those in the category to follow, WE HAD A PARTY.  I DID NOT DRINK $650 WORTH OF JUG WINE.  At least I don't think I did......

6.  The Judgers:  I saved the best for last.  If you must take everything you read literally and/or do not know a person well enough to understand their intended subtext, innuendo and sarcasm, that is one thing.  But to take this information and pass judgement on a person's character or lack thereof is quite another.  To the judgers I say, "Get a life" as if mine is of this much interest to you, you are in need.  And get the #$%* off of my Facebook page.  Good day.

And there you have it.