Monday, June 21, 2010
The Most Fun You'll Ever Have With Your Clothes On
So, Jack had to run errands with me today. As an astute parent always on the lookout for "teachable moments" (I think I just threw up in my mouth), I saw this as an opportunity. You see, dear readers, Jack like many of his peers often laments the fact that nine months out of the year, he has to go to school while I "get" to "stay home and do what I want". Hop in the car, Bucko. First stop? Goodwill. Had a carload of junk that at one time I once wanted but now have no earthly idea WHY. Gigantic key from Pottery Barn???? Who hasn't had their eye on one of those???? Pull up to the drive-up donation center. Am not really so much assisted as grunted at. The guy that is usually on duty (dirty-ish guy with one leg.....you know the one) was nowhere to be seen. I think I was asked by the guy that WAS taking donations if I wanted a receipt but I'm not really sure. Pull out of the drive-thru. Exit is completely blocked by shitty, random crap that nobody wants on both sides and by a pick-up truck in front of me. There's dirty-ish one legged guy!!!!! He's helping some old guy unload a couch so gross that it made the stuff I used to see on porches during the college years look appealing. Oh, and they are in no hurry. "HELLO????? Is my car not here???? Do I not LOOK like I would really like to get out of here???? Perhaps if I start LAYING ON THE HORN you might be inspired to step-lively???? Or hop, as the case may be? Yes, I know one of you is down to one leg but THEN DON'T WORK SOMEWHERE REQUIRING HEAVY LIFTING!!!!!" Eventually the truck was moved and we were onto our NEXT scintillating stop. The dry cleaners!!!!! Had to pick up a suit and shirt for daddy!!!!! Yaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!! Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!! Somebody stop me from "getting" to have so much FUNNNNNN!!!!!!! We then merrily drive over to the UPS store where I was informed I had to pay the guy behind the counter 25 cents to drop a pre-paid package off at his establishment. Seriously? How 'bout I just give ya a gumball? Shit. Next stop was the mall because the two of us are going on vacation. The aforementioned "up north". I needed shorts because I realized that my wardrobe consists of workout clothes, pool clothes and things to wear to parties. Nothing really in between. We go to the Gap. I find a couple of pairs of shorts. NO, thank you but the bored-looking eleven year old boy should indicate that I do NOT want to try anything on. Bored eleven-year old goes over to the kids side of the Gap. I figure since I've got him here and all of the sale stuff is an additional 25% off, I may as well get him situated too. I have long established that shopping with your child costs you roughly 40% more than it would if you were out on your own. This applies not only to clothing but to grocery shopping as well. "MOM!!!!! I NEED THIS GIANORMOUS PACKAGE OF CHEESE STICKS. MOM!!!!!! WE'RE OUT OF ICE CREAM. I NEED TWO KINDS!!!!!! MOM!!!!!!! MOM!!!!!!!! MOM!!!!!!!!". AAAAAAHHHHHHHH. So anyway, Jack found a LOT of stuff he liked. He said, "Now I won't look like a dork". God forbid. All of that Ralph Lauren you've been sporting since kindergarten thanks to your Uncle Skippy surely established you as King of the Outcasts. We step up to pay for our pile of treasures. I am asked if I have a Gap card. Yes, I do but I would prefer to use the card that earns me airline miles. Yes, I know that I could save blah, blah, blah. Correct. I STILL DO NOT WANT TO USE MY GAP CARD. This makes me crazy. Last I checked, "NO" means "NO". That does not just apply to horny teenage boys. It applies to overzealous sales clerks as well. NO!!!!! We walk our two big bags out of the Gap. Security beeper thing goes off. Back in we go. Both bags are gone through. No tags are found. Out we go again. Beeper thing goes off again. We are waved off. OKAY! Back to the car. Jack: "Can we go home?" Me: "What???? You're not having fun?????" Jack: "This is the most fun I've ever had. Not. Can we go home????" Me: "Huh. I thought this was a blast. And no, we cannot go home. Mommy needs to stop at Tipsy's Liquor World as she is out of both Malibu (which I have just learned is yummy with Diet Coke.....word up, Amy L.) AND vodka. This simply will not stand. Because you see, dear offspring, when you "get" to have all of this spine-tingling fun All. Day. Long. a drink sounds mighty fine come cocktail hour. I think my teachable moment worked. Lesson? Drinking solves ALL of your problems. Yep. I'm that good.