Thursday, May 6, 2010

I Am Not Yo' Momma

Ahhh, Mother's Day. All of the ads I'm seeing and hearing are telling me that not only do I need to get on the stick and send my mother flowers and candy and jewelry and fly her ass up here and take her out to eat, but that I should have very high expectations of both my son AND Dave come Sunday. I get that I should acknowledge my mom and that my son will probably make me a cute little somethin'-somethin'. That's cool. But I'm tellin' ya, unless you came out of my body or I came out of yours, we do not need to exchange pleasantries. I am not my husband's mother. This bullshit about making men feel like they have to fete the mother of their children is ridiculous. And sadly, the responsibility for the success or failure of this day squarely falls on the man. I mean, is a kid going to make brunch reservations for five and then drive his or herself to the local florist for some dumbass corsage? Answer? Nope. So essentially, a man has to not only please his own mother (which he should) but also his wife (or baby momma as the case may be). I feel like grabbing a bullhorn and screaming "RUN!!!! IT'S A TRAP" in front of the local Hallmark store. It's pretty much a no-win situation for most guys. The great part about men is that they are not women. They DON'T know exactly what we want. So my suggestion is that if you must insist that your husband honor you on Mother's Day tell him. Be honest. And specific. If they ask what you'd like to do, don't say "Oh nothing" unless you mean nothing. If you'd like to lay in bed all day with a bottle of gin while your children rub your bunions and your husband cleans the house, say "I'd like to lie in bed and get my drink on while the children rub my bunions and you clean the damn house, fool". This means you, Dave Christie. Oh wait......that's right. I'm not his mother. Damn. DISCLAIMER TO AVOID PHONE CALL FROM MY MOTHER: I AM NOT GOING TO TO LIE IN BED DRINKING GIN ALL DAY ON SUNDAY. YES, I AM AWARE THAT I AM HAVING SURGERY THE NEXT DAY. EVEN IF I WASN'T, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT IF I WERE TO LIE IN BED DRINKING SOMETHING IT WOULD PROBABLY BE CHEAP WINE OR EXPENSIVE TEQUILA. AND NO, MOM, I DO NOT HAVE BUNIONS. I'M NOT REALLY EVEN SURE WHAT BUNIONS ARE. AND YES, IF I THOUGHT I HAD SOMETHING ON MY FOOT THAT LOOKED EVEN REMOTELY BUNION-LIKE I WOULD GO TO THE DOCTOR. THANK YOU.

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