Zip It

Actual phone conversation that took place as my parents were on their way up to Colorado for Christmas.......Me: "Mom, please be prepared because the house won't be as clean as I'd like it to be but things have been a little nutty around here lately." Mom: "Honey, we're coming to enjoy being together, not to see how clean your house is." I believed her. Sucka. Fast forward to a couple of days before Christmas, when I was to host the big family dinner. Mom: "Goobie!!!!! What can I do????" Me: "Shit, mom....you've been passive aggressively yammering about things needing to be dusted for a few days now, why don't you hop on that??" So, my mom, as she is famously wont to do, not only gets cracking on the cleaning but enlists my dad, of course adding the cursory, "Daddy LOVES to clean".  Um, no he doesn't. He doesn't love it all. What he loves is not catching shit from you.  Anyway, as I commence with the cooking she is going around cleaning like a woman possessed. I'm actually somewhat surprised she remembered how as she has this crazy thing called a cleaning lady. But nevertheless she is cleaning. And then starts asking questions about the vacuum, which is where things started going downhill fast. "GOOOBIIIEEEE!!!!!! Where are the attachments????"  That thing has attachments? For what? This sets her off. I'm going about my business and trying to tune out all of the tongue clucking and exasperation that is slowly building from a slow burn to a boil. It was palpable. I could feel it. But as a grown-up, I chose to ignore it. Cleaning is SO not my schtick. I have other schticks. Lots of other schticks. None of them involve anything remotely resembling cleanliness. Or organization. I used to have a cleaning lady and when she came over for the initial consultation she looked around and announced in her South American accent, "EEESSSS REALLY DIRTY." Yeah? No shit!!!! That would be why you are here, dumbass!!!! God. Is there anyone on this planet that is not interested in maligning my character in some way shape or form? Show yourselves. I do a pretty good job at it on my own I'm pretty sure, so everybody can save themselves the trouble. I've got it handled. Anyway, getting back to the story at hand, Mom finally blows. She looks as frustrated as an overly tired two-year old on the verge of a tantrum and says, "Goobie, you have such a beautiful house........you really should spend more time cleaning it".  Whereas in the past, this would have sent me into a tailspin, I simply looked at her and said, "Mom, ZIP IT".  And the crowd goes wild. That kinda stopped her in her tracks. Then Dad came up and told her that I didn't need criticism, I needed help. Go, Dad, go Dad.........he was on my side until I suggested that if my less than mad housekeeping skilz were such a problem, perhaps they would like to retain a cleaning lady on my behalf. He declared it didn't bother him one bit. Dang. Anyway, the bottom line is that if Judgy McJudger announces that there will be no judging, she is LYING. Next time they come up here I'm going to hire a big ass cleaning crew and send her the bill and tell her that we just wanted to make sure we were able to enjoy each other's company in a completely sterile environment!!!!! I might have 'em put those things on the toilets that you used to see in hotels. The seals so that you know that they're clean? That would be hilarious. Okay, I've got to go think up more stuff like that that will really chafe her. Bwahahahahaaaa.........I can hear it now......"REAL funny, Goobie". Hey man, she started it.