Bad Rap

I was really hopeful that the trend of white, suburban kids dressing like rappers had passed a couple of years ago. From what I've seen during the highschool lunch hour at the local Subway, I was mistaken. Now let me be crystal clear: I like white suburban kids and I like rappers. Cool ones, anyway. Both asshole suburban white kids and asshole rappers may step the hell off. Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Hmmmm, self....how does Mollie know any rappers, asshole or otherwise?" Oh, you'd be surprised. My web of influence is far-reaching. And I think I'm going to ask them what they think of these white kids emulating them in such fashion. I'm betting they think they look like morons. I just don't understand what these kids are trying to convey. Dissatisfaction with suburbia? Well, duh, kid.....it's crushing all of our spirits. Every day. And it gets worse! Wait 'til you're my age! You may well be expressing yourself with painkillers by then! It's homogeneous and boring as hell. Eating at Panera day after endless day is a soul-killing experience. Oh, and going to the same four stores on a near daily basis because your life and it's needs have become so small? You begin expressing yourself in new and innovative ways, like ramming people with your shopping cart just because you can. That's self-expression. You don't see me dressing like a rapper. Although maybe I should 'cause that would be funny. I would actually pay to see me dressed like that. Anyway, I get that you want to express yourself but can't you come up with something a little more original? The rapper thing is cool on rappers. You're not a rapper. Your parents belong to my country club. They're not rappers either. And I'm pretty sure you're not Eminem, who at least had the good sense to have a hardscrabble upbringing and actually IS a rapper (I think....I'm a housewife....what do I know?) and therefore had a shred of authenticity. Don't get me started on Kid Rock, who may in fact be your messiah. Mr. "Rock", while claiming to be "straight out ta traila", was actually a suburban white kid!!!! Just like you!!!! His dad OWNED A CAR DEALERSHIP. NO street cred. I guess I just want you to know that you are not fooling anybody. I highly doubt you are about to bust out some rhymes at any given moment. Surprise me though. I'd like that. Oh, and you should pull your damn pants up before Mrs. Christie does it for you.