Meniscus Surgery: The Ride Home

Okay, so I'm manipulated out of wheel chair and into Dave's gigantic Ford Expedition. I am so happy that the surgery is over I feel like I'm about to board a private jet to the Bahamas. I was giddy. We had to stop to pick up Grady, who was being lovingly (and bravely!) cared for by my sister-in-law. Load his ass in. He's tired so he's being a (relatively) good passenger. My first request after collecting dog is to stop and get a Big Gulp. Or as it was fondly referred to in college, a "Beta Gamma". I believe I actually went SUPER Big Gulp. At this point I was practically in nirvana. Lived through surgery, have a huge vessel of Diet Coke and am ON MY WAY HOME. Get phone calls from parents and friends who were somewhat shocked that I wasn't all that out of it so soon after said MAJOR OPERATION. It was weird. Maybe it was adrenalin. Or maybe my consciousness is so used to being altered it pays no mind to something as simple as general anesthesia. My body: "That's all you've got? Seriously? Stay tuned for Friday night". But whatever. I am feelin' good.  All of a sudden, I get a bloody nose. Weird 'cause I'm not really a bloody nose kinda gal. But, there were all sorts of tubes and shit up my nose so I'm not alarmed. I check my purse for Kleenex. Or napkins. I have been known to find such objects as underwear, corkscrews and half-eaten Chipotle burritos in my purse so I'm thinking there may in fact be something useful in the event of a blood-spurting nose. Nada. The underwear, providing it was mine, may have been of use but it had long been extracted. So, digging, digging, bleeding, bleeding.......BINGO!!!! A tampon! Super absorbent, even!!!!! So I unwrap, depress plunger and and stick it in my right nostril (okay, ON my right nostril......if it was going to go IN I might have some bigger problems than those already established). Situation averted. So there I am, leg in post-surgical glory and propped up on dashboard, shit eating grin on my face, Big Gulp in hand and a tampon shoved up my nose. I was happy. I can only imagine how this spectacle appeared to fellow motorists. Probably pretty freakin' awesome.