Stick Christie's

I realize that I have made somewhat of a mini-career grousing about things that bug me. And that's probably because things bug me considerably more than they bug most people. A prickly little pear, I am. But amongst the things that irritate me, those stupid stick figure families that are found largely on the back of mini-vans really stick in my craw. And I don't know why. I have a family. I like it! I even like other families. I just don't like those dumbass stickers. I think it's because they are inherently dorky. "Oh, look at me and my 18 children and all of our wacky pets! Some are babies!  See, 'cause they're little and are wearing diapers! That one with the bow? It's a GIRL! Isn't that cute? And our oldest, Johnny? He likes to play golf. He's the stick figure with the golf club!" Annoying. I think I'm going to start a line of those stickers for the non-shiny and happy amongst us. "Stick Figure Families.....The Dark Side". And here's mine! Since these things usually go from biggest to smallest, lets start with Dave. I think I'll have his stick figure sitting on a toilet with his pants at his ankles and strumming a guitar. Because that's really the only explanation for why he's in there for so long. Either that or he's looking at porn on his phone. So give him a cartoon iPhone too. And maybe have his tongue lolling out of his mouth. Maybe he'd be wearing a Lions jersey, 'cause inexplicably, these stick figures wear shirts even though they're sticks with heads. Although Hollywood actresses whear shirts and they're not much better. But I digress. I'm next 'cause I'm the mom. Or so I'm told. I'd be in workout gear. Hair in a stick ponytail. Clutching a bottle of Lexapro and a jug of wine. I would have several tequila bottle "icons" next to me. The icons cost extra but they represent the person when there is just simply more to say than one stick figure can accommodate. I'd also have a Pilates reformer, a thyroid gland, MY iPhone and a few expletives. I know I have alot of "icons" but I have the most baggage and I want my fellow drivers to know it. Give me wide berth. I'm a little crazy. After MY bad self comes Jack. He would be wearing a lacrosse uniform. Goalie stick in one hand and a laundry list of grievances in the other. Mostly regarding his mother. He'd have a basketball, a football and a slew of video game icons. After Jack, we have stick Grady. He's wearing a shock collar, has devil horns and tail and is pooping out a sock. So I guess he's squatting. Next to Grady is a stick Zombie Hamster. Tiny stick paws outright in Zombie-walk fashion and with X's for eyes. Poor Rhino. Gone but not forgotten, at least on my car. I figure that next to Rhino will be a guy with a white van and a net chasing our whole sorry stick family with a caption bubble over his head saying, "Pull up the truck, Charlie......we've got some live ones". Indeed.