Stick a Cork in Your Kid

Okay. I'm not trying to be rude and I probably don't understand because I only have one kid but WHY in the ASS would you take a screaming baby to a movie? The baby has no concept of what's going on. None. The baby is too busy pooping its pants and is probably blind as a bat. I get that your two-year old might be interested in the pretty colors but she was screaming as well. I know this because this mom chose to sit right behind me. The thing about it is when her kids finally totally lost their shit and were full on screaming in concert, she lost her shit too and not quietly. Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't loudly yell, "If you don't be quiet we're LEAVING" four times before actually doing so. I felt like telling her if SHE didn't be quiet I was leaving. I get that this mom was trying to do something fun with her kids. That's exactly what I was doing. With ELEVEN YEAR OLDS. You don't take kids of screeching age to a movie. There's lots of shit you can do with kids that age. I know because I did them. Gymbo-fucking-ree, for example. Ahhhh, how I (did not) love Gymboree. But Jack liked it. And screaming and running around was encouraged. And there's places you can go where you're not disturbing others if your kid starts having a nuclear tantrum. Like the zoo. We have a lovely zoo here in the Queen City of the Plains. Little kids can run around and stare at the gorillas and lick the glass. And there's a choo-choo!!!!!! Don't forget the choo-choo. Whoo-whoo!!!!! Screaming abounds. Lemme put it this way. If your kid requires a stroller, he or she is probably too young to attend a movie. Shit, we suffered through things like Disney on Ice and Sesame Street Live for several years. You expect screaming children at things like that. Age appropriate things. Like Jack going to the bar on Sunday. Completely appropriate. He owns that place. "Bartender, I believe my mother will have another round".