Tuesday, August 10, 2010

An Open Letter to My Dog

Dear Grady,

Thank you ever so much for going freaking nuts with the barking and waking my ass up at 4am. Not sure what the problem was. Coyotes? You've lived with us for a year. They  yap. All. Night. Long. Apparently so do you. Was it the milkman? You never bark at the milkman when he shows up at the back door. We love the milkman! I guess if you were barking at an intruder, that's cool. Although there's not much here worth intruding upon us for. I don't like jewelry and therefore have none. I don't have any priceless art (unless you can't Jack's stuff and I'm pretty sure that's only priceless to me) and my eating utensils are from Pottery Barn. NO valuable silver here. My furniture is covered dog hair and has kid food smeared on it or ground into it. Although you probably don't see too many Quatrine sofas at pawn shops. I wouldn't know. I've got some cool Sticks pieces but I don't think the intruding sort is into that kinda stuff. My clothes are cool but my closet smells like a dead hamster. If the potential intruder cares to walk around with the smell of rodent death clinging to his person, they may go for it. As far as anything of real value, it's either impossible to steal (6-burner stove anyone?) or it's something that an intruder is going to have to go through me for. You take my computer, phone, TV's, Chanels or my bag and I am goin' with ya. Guarantee I'd be deposited safely back home with all of my goodies within the space of an hour. They might even throw in some cash to sweeten the deal. "We'll do ANYTHING!!!! Just TAKE HER!!!!!!". So anyway, Grady, as it turned out, whatever alarming thing you heard with your super-sonic ears was not worth the trouble. I am so happy that you were able to fall immediately back to sleep and were curled up in a cute little ball looking like something out of an LL Bean catalog. You suck.



PS Thanks for the noxious gas you just blasted at me just now. If your intention was to either clear my sinuses and or cause me to find Jesus you may have succeeded.  

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