Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Alcohol is Good For You!!!! Yay!!!!!

'Kay, so we're laying in bed this morning, kid in between us dog jumping all over the place and we're gathering ourselves for the day to come. As is our habit we were watching Good Morning America. That Sam Champion. What a scamp. I see a crawl that says, "Study finds that alcohol reduces painful symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis". Gee. Maybe I should be a scientist as I could have told you that!  "Hellooooooo, everybody!!!!! Look at me!!!!! I'm drunk as a skunk and I feel like a million freakin' bucks!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" What a concept. A mind-numbing depressant eases pain! Shit, I fell out of a (fortunately parked) car last Friday and didn't feel a thing. Popped right back up, I did! My back looks like I was run over but that's another matter altogether. Didn't hurt one bit at the time. Why do you think old timey cowboys drank a shot of whiskey before they had some random limb cut off out in a field? It's not called a "bracing shot" for nuttin'. Alcohol makes you funnier! It makes your friends funnier! And waaaaayyyyyyy more attractive. I'm drunk right now and I'm freakin' hilarious!!!!  *MOM. I AM NOT ACTUALLY DRUNK. IT IS 10:30 IN THE MORNING. CALM YOURSELF* It also apparently helps your heart. It is a miracle panacea for all things, it appears. Alcohol for President! It certainly makes parties more fun. I remember being pregnant at a party and thinking, "Every single person I know is a freaking idiot". I was actually thinking about quitting until I saw this report this morning. It would be totally irresponsible to quit at this time as surely I have some crippling arthritis in my future. I already have it in my knee. I think what my doctor said was, "Be sure to stay drunk most of the time". Alrighty then! Doctors orders. 

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