Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Bat Mom

In an attempt to engage with my eleven-year old son (ie. drag him away from X-Box and drag myself away from the wine) I suggested that we play a game while dinner was in the oven last night. Shockingly, he agreed. Most of you who read Deep Thoughts regularly are aware that the child is a bit of a........shall we say.......wiseacre? Okay, he's a smart-ass. Therefore I take most everything that comes out of his ever-lovin' mouth with a grain of salt and armed with my sarcasm shield. So as we're playing our lively game of dominoes, Jack says, "Hey Mom! Remember when I was little and our class went to the zoo and you got bitten by that bat?!" I was waiting for the punch line. No punch line was forthcoming. Me: (still suspicious) "Yes, Jack.......I remember now.......we were in the Bat House at the Denver Zoo. You know......where they let bats (mostly rabid) fly around????" It's a real kid crowdpleaser!!!!! And then that REALLY BIG ONE became insnared in my hair and then bit me on the neck and started sucking all of my blood out???? And I started running around screaming, 'GET IT OFF!!!!!! GET IT OFF!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY GET THIS KILLER BAT OFF OF MY NECK!!!!!!!!'. And then they evacuated the zoo and the monkey's got loose and a bunch of people were trampled and they took me by Flight For Life to the hospital where I remained clinging to life for months????? That time????". Jack: "I guess I remembered it wrong". Dave (who was within earshot): "You drew two little dots on your neck and told him you were attacked by a bat at the zoo when he was in kindergarten". Oops. 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Free at Last!!!!!!!

As I have stated repeatedly, I LOVE me my Jacksta. Madly. That kid is gold. He was being a little punk yesterday when I informed him that NO he could not take $70 to the bowling alley so that he could play VIDEO games. Trust me, I do not bowl for my health. I bowl on rare occasion because the kiddies like it and yesterday was the last day of spring break and I thought something fun was in order. Good old family fun wherein the rest of the patrons look at you like you have a cucumber for a head. Apparently I don't "fit in". But that is not the point. The point is that SCHOOL HAS STARTED. And although I am not a Scientologist nor a Tom Cruise fan, as soon as I finish writing this entry, I am going to take of my pants but leave my socks on and start dancing around my house out of sheer and utter joy. Like having houseguests, school breaks last about three days too long. And in this case, when the rest of the world was slowly finding normal again, I still had two more days to go. Two more days of "I'm bored" and "Can so and so come over" and "I'm hungry". My most recent responses: Complaint A) "You have a home theatre in your bachelor pad.  And two Nintendo DS's. And an iPod Touch. And a Wii. And an XBox 360. Figure it out". Complaint B) "Of COURSE so and so can come over. ANYBODY can come over if you'll stop whining". And Complaint C) "THEN GET YOURSELF SOMETHING TO EAT!!!!!!!!".  Jesus, Mary and Joseph on a pony. So now, it's all good. And you can't get the smile off of my face. I'm going to actually do some WORK! And get my house restored to its normal state of disorder. And go into Jack's room with a hazmat suit and a blower. I'm not sure I want to know what's been going on in there for the past two weeks but I'm pretty certain it's not good. So to you all of you Mommies out there who like me finally have their domains back to themselves I say, "YEE-FREAKING HA!!!!!!!!!"  Let the New Year begin.