Midol, Take Me Away.....Please.......

Mental  note: do NOT go to Costco on a Saturday with PMS. If you do, do not let ten-year old push gigantic cart. And if you protest his amateurish piloting of cart, when child states that he is not an idiot, remind him of the hamster currently rotting is some undisclosed locale in house and that he is in fact an idiot. But do it with love so as not to undermine burgeoning self-confidence. And remember to wear sunglasses indoors as eyes bulging out of head during said experience is apparently alarming to others. "What are you looking at? Huh? Huh? Wanna go? Didn't think so". Scratch the glasses. Looking crazy keeps people at bay. Better yet, just don't leave confines of home with PMS. Or simply have uterus and friends removed and dispensed with. Just let the whole sorry affair come to an unnatural conclusion. That may be the best plan yet. Do you think insurance pays for mercy hysterectomies? Is being annoyed with an internal organ just cause for removal? If it's not it should be. It's kind of akin to my mom's appendix. Useless and painful. And in a French landfill at present. Be afraid uterus. Be very afraid. You don't even look like me.

Fly Dry, M-TH.

It's that time of year when our collective minds turn to our poor, long suffering livers and we seriously consider hanging them out to dry. I know mine will be spending some time on the clothesline. Poor thing. It's such a hard little worker.....it deserves a vacation. Having some friends over this afternoon so it's not going to happen today. And probably won't happen tomorrow either. BUT it's gonna happen on Monday and will last at least until Thursday. That is unless something really good or really bad happens in which case all bets are off. Or in the instance that I am startled and need something bracing. The fact that I am easily startled is strictly coincidental. Oh look!  A deer! Glug, glug, glug. WHAT?! The PHONE BILL?! Oh noooooo!!!!! Color me startled!!!! Actually, I rather look forward to chillin' out with the drinking. As good as I am at boozing it up, when I set my cap to it I'm also rather good at some seriously convent inspired behavior as well. Errrr.....okay, I will concede that the convent part may be a stretch. The truly scary part is that I'm pretty much exactly the same when I'm not sauced up. Just less tippy and sleepy. And I'm less willing to divulge highly personal information. Oh wait.....scratch that last part. I am for sure less tippy (this is not misspelled. I don't mean "tipsy". I mean "tippy" as in "about to tip over") and prone to falling asleep in incredibly inappropriate places. Hey, man......it worked for Elvis. What's that you say? He wasn't asleep? He was dead? Oh dear.

Sweet!

My brother told me yesterday that he is going to start a blog called, "My Sister is Full of Shit". Awesome. Having a blog dedicated to my blog will only lend more cred to my Deep Thoughts. Don't be a hater, Timmy.

Poke

Jack: "Can I poke Grady with a stick?" Dave: "Sure". Why wouldn't you? I mean that's how we roll. Poking our companion animals with sharp objects. You know, when we're not setting them free to meet their assured demise. Speaking of which, the hamster is obviously still at large. Just waitin' for the sickly sweet smell of death to start permeating Casa de Christie. So there's that to look forward to. Oh, and don't worry. Nobody pokes my puppy. Ooooohhh.......the double entendre!!!!!

Help Me......

Days like this I really, really wish I had a daughter. New Year's day is like a souped-up version of Sunday and we are all well aware of my position on Sunday's. Which is that they can bite my Pilatified ass. What the hell am I supposed to do while the boys watch football? All. Day. Long. Oh, I know!!!! I can take down the Christmas decorations! All that stuff that I had no problem at all putting lights on is really chafing my shit at this point. Why all the lights? Why? But as I would rather go around and find hobos to lick than watch one more second of a football game played by teams I don't give a rats ass about, I'll do it. The worst part of today is that it's only freaking FRIDAY. There are two more days of this to get through. And THEN, school doesn't start until WEDNESDAY. I may be dead by then. Enough of Christmas, New Years and winter freakin' break. Enough. I want my life back. I want order restored. I'm even sick of drinking but there's not much point in stopping now as I've gotta get through this weekend somehow. I need somebody to play with. Waaaaahhhhh.

#$%*

Oh joy. An extra day of football.

It's About Time, Brainer.......

Happy New Year, bitches!!!!! Had a great time in our little town with some very entertaining pals. Still a little fuzzy but will report back later. In the meantime, meet my friend Greg, AKA Brainer. He started a blog and is one of the more interesting peeps I know. Love him. You will too.

http://recoverywhore.blogspot.com/