Happy Poopy!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhh, December 31st........how I have longed for you and now you're here! You're finally here! This poop-crusted mess of a year is just about over. I will not bore you with the details of my trials and tribulations but as far as years go, this one can bite me. I believe I said something similar in this space LAST year at this time. Oh, I hadn't seen anything yet. 2010 trumped 2009. Congratulations, ASS MUNCH. I would simply like to ask 2011 to go a little easier on my delicate constitution. While I am grateful for the gift of the truly wonderful people I have in my life (seriously......a girl could not ASK for cooler or more supportive friends and family........you know who you are.........) I would genuinely like to have a year in which I feel as though I am able to breathe. Breathing is good! Deeeeeeep, cleansing breath.......breathe in, breathe out. I think that it's easier to accomplish shit when you do not feel like you are being strangled by a gorilla 95% of the time. 

That being said, I hope you kids all have a big, big time tonight. Be careful and don't do anything I wouldn't do. Although I'd do just about anything, so maybe you should exercise a bit more caution than that. In the words of my then three-year old cousin Ben (who was really saying a mouthful without knowing it) at the stroke of midnight many, many years ago, "HAPPPPPPYYYYYY POOOPPPYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!". Happy Poopy one and all! 

Drink the Deep Thoughts Kool-Aid

It's me again..........I just checked my little "Sitemeter" and I noticed that more people are outclicking on "subscribe to Deep Thoughts" which is WAY, WAY cool. If you aren't my facebook friend (and hell, friend me if you're not......I'm quite the friendly friendster) that's a good way to be alerted if I have some sudden burst of profundity. Which happens all the time. Or not. You can also become a "follower" which sounds very Jim Jones-esque but actually is not. No Kool-Aid here at Deep Thoughts! The only thing you're encouraged to drink around here is wine and tequila. And even then it's entirely up to you! So anyway, follow, share, subscribe, tell all your friends, blah, blah, blah.

Christmas '10

I know, I know.......it's been awhile since my last post. I have really been trying to be consistent but consistency is tough when you are in the middle of the swirling vortex that is Christmas. I was fine until last week. We had scaled everything WAY down. No cards, no gifts for everyone we had ever looked in the direction of, no hosting of parties. Everything seemed remarkably chill until the 20th when panic set in. I am a person who almost always has all gift procurement well underway shortly after Thanksgiving. I know myself well enough to know that "last minute" is not how I roll. I can't stand crowds and pushing and pulling. Hustle and bustle does not sound festive to me. It sounds like a hassle. Not only do I not hassle the Hoff, I do not do hassles. Hassles cause me to lose my shit. When I finally realized that I did not have gifts for my parents, or Dave or Jack's "biggie" not to mention stocking stuffers it was Monday. Oh, and I was sick. Not just sick but could not speak sick. Can I tell you how lovely it is to be braving the last minute Christmas crowds and not being able to speak above a whisper? Wait. It's not lovely at all. It pretty much sucks. And it also causes store clerks to state the obvious. "Wow! You lost your voice!" REALLY? No shit, Sherlock. I hadn't noticed. Eventually of course, it was all accomplished. We had a very nice, mellow holiday. Well, there WAS the fact that my brother had surgery on Wednesday and apparently nearly bled out. I think they might have had to get the paddles at one point. Okay, not really but it didn't go as planned. It would have been a better story if paddles were involved. It almost always is. Oh, and then my sister-in-law caught my cold. As she said, "Wow, this isn't really the 'This sucks but I can soldier on kinda cold', is it?" Nope. It's more of the "Weekend at Bernies prop myself up in a corner with sunglasses, some reindeer antlers and a cocktail" kinda cold. Oh and speaking of cocktails, did I mention that my parents decided that it would be festive to stop drinking over Christmas? They always pull that shit at THE most inopportune times. Um.....if ever there was an occasion TAILOR MADE for the aggressive consumption of alcohol, it is one in which you are confined to a house with your relatives for several days. BUT, in spite of all of the aforementioned difficulties, it was declared by Jack to be "THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER". And THAT, my friends, makes it all worth while. Hoping that you and yours enjoyed your holiday as much as Jack enjoyed his. I will be keeping you up to your eyeballs in Deep Thoughts as we slide into the New Year as I can finally once again think thoughts be they Deep or Shallow. Woo-hoo.  

Over Gifting

I'm pretty sure I wrote about this topic at this time last year, probably because it bugged me then just like it bugs me now. Let me first say that I really do like Christmas. Truly. I get that warm fuzzy feeling. Although that may be the wine. They DO say you should carry the Christmas spirit with you all year long. Not a problem here........thank you cheap jug wine! What I have really grown to resent is the expectation that you must come up with a gift for every person you have come into contact with EVER as well as their offspring and sometimes their parents and household staff where applicable. As we get older, this list gets longer and longer and more and more intimidating. Last year I finally put the brakes on it. It's not just a time sucker and financial drain, in most cases it is completely disingenuous. Buying a gift should be something you give with a happy heart and with the true spirit of generosity. When I'm finding myself buying a gift for a teenaged boy I have not seen in years that is probably going to simply grunt when he opens it and tosses it aside, I resent that. That's not the idea, I don't think. Most of my friends kids do not NEED anything. I'm sure they'll get plenty from their parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. In all likelihood, TOO much. They don't need a $25 iTunes card from some random friend or their moms in Colorado. And then there are MY friends. I used to rack my brain trying to come up with something cute and clever for women who really DO have everything. And keep in mind that I do not really have a ton of CLOSE friends as I'm more a "keep to myself" kind of a gal. The blog notwithstanding. If I like you though, I like you a lot. I'm more about quality than quantity. So, it's not as though it would tax me to find something for the three or four girls that I would actually give a gift to. It's just become the principle of the thing. I would much rather give them a box of cookies and candy that I made to enjoy and share with their family than give them something they don't need because I am supposed to. I'd much rather do something nice for them during the year when they need help. Or if I see something that just screams out for them in June, then I'll buy it. I'd much rather get an unexpected cool gift than an expected one any day of the week. While all of this ridiculous consumption may be good for the economy, I think it erodes the true spirit of giving.  Bah humbug.  

PSA

Oh and one quick thing.......there's been a bump in Deep Thoughts traffic lately which is WAY cool. If ya like it, it's kinda like Beyonce says......put a ring on it! No, don't do that. But pass it along to your friends. Follow. Subscribe. "Like" on facebook. Share the love. 'Cause I love ya back. That concludes my shameless self-promotion for the day. 

Christmas Card

I am not sending Christmas cards this year. Primarily because Christmas cards aren't just "Christmas cards" anymore. They are basically a picture of either your entire family or of your adorable children that shows everybody you know how flipping GREAT your life is. If you look really awesome, you are in the picture for sure. How your husband looks is completely irrelevant. He's just a guy in a turtleneck that completes the happy picture. If you look awesome and are incredibly successful, you will want to make sure that the photo in question was taken at some fabulous locale. "Oh look, honey! It's the Green's! They're repelling down Mt. Kilamanjaro! Even the baby! Isn't that cute!?" Gack. But I digress. I have an 11-year old boy. That's it. And as you can see from the last time I made an attempt at a Christmas card, he's a smart-ass. It doesn't go well. "Look angelic, you little cretin" only goes so far. And after just announcing that if you yourself are in the Christmas card photo you must think you look tremendously tremendous, I sure as shit am not going to hop into the frame. What I should do, and very well might now that I think of it, is assemble my family and go stand in front of a trailer park or something. There's one around here called the "Flying Saucer RV Park" and the sign features an alien. If I can get somebody to take our picture you'd better believe there will at LEAST be a Deep Thoughts Christmas card photo comin' at ya hot. Stay tuned. I'm going to go scout out the location. 

The Grinch One, Jesus Zero

Hey Guys.......It's me Mol........this is my friend Greg Brainer's guest post!  If for some reason it doesn't format well, hold tight 'til Dave gets home and we'll fix it.  Enjoy!

That's correct, the Grinch has beaten Jesus on his own turf.  If you still believe there is Christmas spirit left in America,  get off your meds or sober up because it's gone.  Some may find my views bitter and twisted, yet they are that of a true realist scorned due to his once kind being.

Growing up as a youths during the 1970's, most have fond memories of what Christmas was.  Towns decorated with festive lights, a nativity scene in front of the public library, neighbors who actually knew each other by name getting together for caroling.  There was no such thing as last minute gift shopping on Christmas Eve. Retailers were closed and at home, where they should be, with family.  A Christmas day movie at the cinema was unheard of.  Yes, those thoughts almost make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, even without liquor.  

I must ask, where the hell did Christmas go?

Last year I had to run into the Meijer Thrifty Acres, now just called Meijer's, on Christmas Eve for some last minute food crap.  First time ever I noticed they were staying open until 10PM that night.  Nothing pisses me off more than chains and retailers who work their employees on what should be family time.  As I'm a regular, I know most of the staff including the special needs greeters. On my way to the checkout I grabbed an extra bottle of wine for my favorite cashier.  After a nice chat about what assholes she worked for I paid and gave her the bottle of wine wishing her a Merry Christmas.  She  immediately refuses my simple gift token due to it being against corporate policy and she would get fired.    Fired for a regular customer giving a diligent, nice store employee a gift????  Screw any motivation for good genuine customer service.  No no no, this certainly was not happening and I went and found the manager.  To my dismay, the manager reiterated corporate policy is no items purchased from the store can be accepted by employes  from patrons as gifts.  I then asked if I went across the street to Stinky's party store ( I don't know the actual name of the party store I just know it smells like ass inside ) and bought a bottle of wine for her as a gift could she accept that?  Perplexed, the manager was not sure however he was too busy to look it up.  His suggestion was to just wish her a happy holiday and not get her in any trouble.  At this point I was crazed and told this asswipe “it's not a holiday, it's fucking Christmas!!! If I cannot give a simple gift to one of your employees who works her ass off and always is glad to see me, corporate America has fucked up Christmas beyond repair.”  

Sadly, the bottle of wine I purchased with the intent of giving it to the cashier was the good kind - corked verses a twist off cap.  This made drinking it during my frustrated drive home not in the cards.  The time was around 6PM.  As I ventured along, I noticed McDonald’s, Chili's, Taco Bell, Lowes, all brightly lit and open for business.  Seriously, people need and want fast food on Christmas Eve?  For that matter, who the hell is going to be doing home improvements the night before Jesus pops out???  As I passed our town library, there was no nativity scene or even one single sign near it that it was Christmas.  My town is 98.7% white Christians. Who the hell are we going to offend by putting baby Jesus on the library front lawn???  This kinda shit didn't happen 30 years ago.

I could ramble more, but Christmas as we once knew it, is gone. On the bright side, maybe they will start letting us be nice at Easter since it is celebrating Jesus's death.....