Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Wax On Wax Off
All of the mustache growin' around my house has gotten me to thinking of hair removal. As we all know, wax is a rather popular depilatory. In fact, I have learned that some women are rather "enthusiastic" in its use. Me? Not so much. I will say that before embarking on a tropical vacation several years back I did make a visit to the local spa wherein I was scheduled to have a "bikini wax". I had never had one before but it seemed like a good idea at the time. So I go in the room and the aesthetician tells me to take my robe and underwear off (I'm an underwear "on" girl at the spa.....something about walking around with no underwear on makes me feel somewhat vulnerable...) and hands me one of those paper sheets and says she'll be back momentarily. Very similar to the procedure at the OBGYN. I half-expected there to be stirrups involved. Ride the pony!!!! Giddy up!!!! So anyway, she comes back and says, "What are we doing today?". I'm like, "Jacuse me??? Uhhhhhhhhh......There are options? Just a little off the top, please!?" The main objective was frankly to not have any lettuce hanging out of the bun whilst parading around poolside. It's unsightly and frightens children. I was not aware that it was like getting a haircut and you should come with a picture of what you want. Like, "Oh, I'll have the 'Jennifer Aniston'". So anyway, while I just stuck to the basics, it did make me curious as to what the hell she was talking about. There is some crazy shit out there that you people are doing to your nether regions. Let us explore: The Brazilian. This sounds painful and unnecessary. It involves waxing your...... um......how to put this delicately.......poop-shoot....amongst other things. Call me nuts but I was not aware that I HAD hair there. This information left me feeling rather self-conscious. And itchy. Then there's everybody's favorite, the "Landing Strip". Okay, if I did this there is no WAY I would not go get those things the guys wave around on the tarmac at the airport. Might have to paint some yellow lines down my stomach too. And arrows. Does a man exist that actually requires a landing strip as a reference point? We also have the "Moustache"......seriously? Do you want that thing to look like it's about to talk to you? 'Cause I personally find that somewhat disturbing. Although I'm sure mine has plenty to say. Like, "better luck next time". Or, "sorry, we're closed". Then there's the Fu Man Chu.......little beard. Bearded clam. I get it. The last one I'll mention (and oh.....there are more options than you can swing a cat at) is what is technically known at "The Sphynx", which, speaking of cats, is named such after a hairless breed of Egyptian felines. I personally refer to it as the "Telly Savalas". 'Nuf said. Maybe it hands out lollipops. SOOOOOO don't get that one. Every time I try to figure that out I start stuttering mentally. There's just nothing to say. Nothing at all. Moving along now. So there's not just the waxing but the DYEING. Allow me to quote from Wikipedia: "The Heart....The main tuft is shaped into a heart symbol and then dyed pink. This is popular around St. Valentine's Day as an erotic surprise for one's partner". Um.....NO??? That actually gets an "oh HELL no". What happened to boxers with hearts on them? Isn't Valentine's Day sex enough of an erotic surprise? "Surprise!!!! I'll actually do it with you!!!! Let's get on with it now, shall we? Quickly....times a wastin'....". And then there's the whole logistics of it all. "Um, hello......I'm here to have my beav shaped into a heart and dyed pink as an erotic surprise for my partner." Of course you are. And who actually executes this? I'm sure if they could put it on that "Worst Jobs in America" show, it would have to top the list. Person A: "What do you do?" Person B: "Oh, I'm a beav stylist". Now that's a conversation starter. You can all do what you like but I'm going with "The Mollie". Which loosely translates to "Leave that beav alone". I'm pretty sure that what's down there is there for a reason. And that reason is not to be shaped into a heart as an "erotic surprise". Criminy.